Fancy Meeting You Here, maybe.

I'm not sure if you still read this, and I'm not entirely sure if I care, but I wanted to say some things. I'm sorry for the way I treated you, it was mean of me. Although, let's be honest... the feelings were mutual. I want to say I hope you're doing well, though I can't tell if that would be a polite lie, or the truth. It would be nice if it was the truth, but I've never been one to lie. You probably don't believe that, and other than giving you my word I have no way to prove it. I have no way to prove to you, I also have no way of proving that when I said there would still be a friendship I meant it. Considering any remnants of friendship have long been incinerated. I accept full responsibility for that. If you're wondering how I am, I'm good. The last actual conversation, and possibly one of the only ones, we had I mentioned I wasn't happy. That's changed. I've never been happier in my life. I'm married. It's unlikely you knew that. I accept full responsibility for that as well. I'm not saying these things to make you miss me, or make you miserable. It's simply small talk. Here's the bit where I wish you well, because I would never wish bad upon anyone. But that is something I'm sure I don't want to do. Instead, I'll say good luck to you, and offer some advice. Stop being so cynical, and hateful toward everything. When you find someone to love, tell them. Don't email it, or IM it, or text it. Say it. Face to face. More than once. That was your downfall. It wasn't ours. But yours. Ours was something entirely different. Good luck.

Because no one else would listen.

Lately, I've felt like no matter who I talk to, they just wish I'd go away. I feel that, if I start to talk about the things that are bothering me, they'll get annoyed. I'm worried that something is seriously wrong with me, and I don't know how to fix it. And no one seems to care(aside from the tim) I keep finding myself in these bizarre bouts of sadness for no reason at all, and no matter what I do, I can't get out.
The only thing\person that makes me happy is on the other side of the world, and all I want to do is go back there, where I was happy all the time. I hate feeling like nothing is ever going my way, like the whole world is against me.
I hate feeling like my best friend is completely annoyed by me, and doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. I'm sure he isn't, but I can't help but feel he's avoiding me.
I keep letting myself get hurt by little things that I'm sure mean nothing, like not being invited somewhere. Or being invited somewhere out of pity, when in reality I wasn't actually being invited to go, it was just go cover up the fact that I wasn't invited. It's stupid, and I know it is, but I can't stop letting things like that bring me down.

I can't talk to anyone about it, because no one will listen, or no one cares. That's not true, I have one person to talk about it with, but again, he's always asleep when this stuff happens. I'm always happy when I'm talking to him, or waiting for him to come online. But as soon as he's gone, and I've been on my own for a while... the sad just creeps up on me. I hate it.

I have no job, no money, no car, a boyfriend who lives in another country, friends who I feel like can't be bothered, a mother who won't get off my case, and a loneliness that follows me around poking me every time there's an opportunity.

But instead of feeling sorry for myself all the time, like I have been... I've decided to put together a list of all of the things that I should be grateful for, because they always keep me happy.

the list of happy
-Tim. No matter what's happening, or who is bothering me, he always always makes me happy. He's the reason behind every one of my smiles
-He's coming to visit in 40 days
-It's almost Christmas
-Soon enough, I'll be going back to England
-I'm starting to draw more
-I'm teaching myself how to be better at photography
-I've lost weight, which is a big thing for me cause i'm a fatty fat fatty.
-There's a cup of tea brewing with my name on it.
-Things have been worse, and I know that no matter how bad things get, I'll never be that sad again.

I may be going through a tough time right now, and even though I feel like it'll never end, I know it will. And there's always something that will make me smile, be it a sweet text from tim in the morning, or a crisp fall afternoon walk. There's always a reason to smile, and I guess I just have to suck it up.



♥ b.


Cheer up and dry your damp eyes

I've abandoned you.

But, that won't be the case for long.

While I do have lots to say, I don't have much time to say any of it just now, but I will say these things:

I have moved from Canada to England.
I moved here for love.
It was the best decision I have ever made.
Sometimes I miss home.
Everything here is so beautiful, and new.


I'm happy, and content, and I get excited to wake up in the morning cause I know I won't be alone anymore.
I don't know if you've ever been in love, and I don't know what your story was, but if you have been in love then you know(or at least, kind of) how I feel. Everything is brighter, I'm happier, things have a better meaning, I'm no longer lonely.
I'm still me, just better.
If you've never been in love, don't be sad... there will be a time when someone loves you more than anything in this whole world. And when they do, and when you love them back, everything that has ever confused you will make sense.

For now, I bid you adieu.

♥ b.

I'll be back, I promise.

in other news.

i have a tumblr that I use sometimes.

do you?

Well I'm so proud tonight, of the woman you've beome.

3 years ago:
I was the kind of girl who just didn't care. I was lost, I was broken, and I was miserable. I pretended like I was fine, but don't we all? I was tired of being me. I spent most of my time alone, and nothing doing anything productive. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I hated that. I thought for some reason that it would ruin me. That I would fail, if I didn't figure it out, and soon. I would look in the mirror and be absolutely disgusted with what I saw. I hated everything about me. I was young and lonely. It was like someone took a puzzle and threw the pieces everywhere and they were impossible to find. So when I was trying to put me together, nothing would work right.
three years ago I gave up on trying.

today:
I'm the kind of girl who cares a lot more. I have been found, reassembled, and I feel genuinely happy 99% of the time. There's no more pretending, I just am. I still spend a lot of time alone, but I'm okay with it. I find something productive to do. I read more, I've started drawing more, I have a journal that keeps all the rambles of my creativity. I still don't know what exactly I want to do with my life, but I'm okay with not knowing. I like the mystery, and I like knowing that I have the capability to choose anything. I'm not afraid of falling. I have fallen, and I found someone who took the word love, and made it more than a word. They made it a feeling. I spent the time I needed carefully looking for the puzzle pieces that I needed to complete me. With a lot of help from someone who was a piece of me without me knowing, I found all of those pieces. I can now look and the mirror and appreciate what I see. While I may not always be a fan, I appreciate it. And I know that in my own way, I am beautiful.
Today I have the pieces, and I'll spend the rest of my life enjoying putting them together.

I've started a journal.

I picked up a notebook... or 6, and I've decided I'm going to do a project. I've been feeling rather lazy lately.
Not lazy in a 'i don't do anything' kind of way, because I still do things. Not much mind you, but I don't just sit on my ass all day!
Lazy in the kind of way, where I don't do anything creative anymore.
I don't draw.
I don't paint.
I don't sketch.
I don't design.
I don't play.

And I'm afraid that if I let it go for too long, I'll be dull. I lose my creativity, and I'll lose one of the parts of me I like best.

And this is where the journal comes in.
Everyday, I will write something. Whether it be an idea I plan on doing, or a thought that passes through my mind. Ideas for drawings, updates on how it's going, things I've dreamed, memories, plans, anything.
Anything but an update of my day.

let it begin!

♥b.

charleston chews.

they're delicious.

Tonight I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, because I thought I was about to lose someone I couldn't stand losing.

It's been a long time since that happened, and it was unpleasant.

Lady in a Dragon Sweater

I do not like the viscosity of pudding, but I like the taste(usually), it causes many a problem. I find that happens a lot, in which I don't like the texture of something, but I love the taste. Then I just usually don't eat it.
I don't like it when things feel weird in my mouth(twss).

I need a vacation from the wind and the rain. I want more sunshine. When I wake up in the morning I was to see happiness in the skies. Don't get me wrong, I love the rain, and I love cloudy days. But this is just getting boring. I'm too happy for these gloomy days.
It's almost winter, the days are getting shorter, the nights are getting colder, and I really need a hug to keep me warm.
Volunteers?

I have officially started a countdown. I'm going to vist a few friends in the neighboring province which I've known about since the summer, and now as it's only about a month away, I feel like I can count down.
I'll be leaving my peaceful, little, boring island life of solitude for 4 whole days of Nova Sco-tee-ah. Full of friends, laughs, and hardly any sleep. I'm excited to make this journey all by myself. 4 hours of driving all alone, with my music, my thoughts, no one to bother me. It will be lovely!

Did I tell you I'm moving to England? No? Well I am. I'm hoping to get into a school there to study photography, but if I don't get in I'll go anyway. I'll find work.

♥b

I want a Dalmatian.

unknown

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

Without Much Regard To The Moon

Or the stars.


Thinking: Something I haven't been doing a lot of, until lately.

I've spent the whole summer lounging about, spending my days at the beach, or reading, painting, drawing, you name it.
Which, aside from the never having money to do anything of any substance was quite splendid.
Now, the summer is almost over, and I've been working full time for about a month. The money is lovely, incredible actually, but I have less time for me.
Less time to explore the very depths of my own mind, less time to go to Narnia, or Camp Half-Blood.
Less time to draw myself new places to visit, new identities, new creatures.
Less time to work on the only tan I've had since I was 6 years old.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE working, I really do. I work in a bookshop, and for an avid reader, it's glorious to get to interact, and discuss what you've read(or are reading) with people for hours on end.
It's like I'm getting paid for book club.

School: I think I graduated

I've successfully complete 2 years of school, and graduated with pretty good grades, and a diploma in something I'm not even using.
Now, it's not that I'm bad at what I learned, it's just I don't think I'm that good.
My parents tell me I'm great, but I'm a bit skeptical at believing them.

But questioning my skills aside, I've been thinking that I want to do more. I want to learn more, and see more.
Do I go back into chemistry like I had originally planned?
Or, do I continue along the route of art? I've been thinking a lot about Art History, or just history in general. While they both intrigue me, I have absolutely no idea what one would do with a major in Art History.
And the more I think about it, the more I fear that I'm not cut out for anything, and I'm destined to be stuck on the Island, working in the bookshop for the rest of my life.


Travel: I really need to get out more.

I'm a curious, 21 year old girl with an interest in photography. I like to see the world the way it was meant to be seen, tragic, and beautiful.
Saying that, I feel like I haven't seen enough of the world. I've been out of Canada one time, which for a girl who lives in a community where everyone knows everyone else it was absolutely incredible!
I liked not knowing where I was going, who I was going to meet, or what I would see. I want more of that. I want more of this


People: Sometimes I like them.

My friends are all of back to university, and I'm here left alone. I bet you're probably thinking "stupid girl, stop complaining", but I don't like being alone. I never really have. I mean, I like having time to myself, but I like it when my friends are around when I need them to be and such.

Recently I've been talking to someone, with whom I lost touch with for a while. Not that it was wanted, but things happen and days pass by. Unconnected.
Have you ever known exactly how you feel about someone, but could never put words to it? I'm having this dilemma right now. Just knowing this person exists, brightens my day. I've been sat here for 20 minutes trying to find words to describe how fond I am of this person, but it's hard. They can make me smile when everything is falling to bits, and I find it very difficult to have a conversation with them without giggling uncontrollably. And when they say Hi to me, I light up.
I only wish they could see it.

Then one more thing about people, I've finally managed to get over it.
It took me longer than I wanted, but it's over, and I'm okay.



Myself: silly girl with too much time on her hands

Without getting too much into it, I had the idea not long ago where I was boring.
I thought about getting into some bad things to 'spice' up my life, if you will.
I've gotten past it, and have decided that even if I am boring, then I'm okay with it.
My life may be monotonous at times, but it is just that, my life.
So I should probably learn to enjoy it eh?

I'm working on it.


It's been a while, I hope to see you around more often

♥ b.

Trouble is a friend, but trouble is a foe.

Yet again

While I hate to admit it, I feel as though I'm being replaced... again.

♥b.

A challenge of sorts.

So, I decided to do the '30 letter' challenge thing.
Though, let's be honest here, I most definitely will not get one in every day.
I'll likely start a new blog, as I don't want to clutter up this one with emotional and messed up letters to people in my life.
There's a list as to who you're writing too, and I'm going to follow the list, but I'm not going to specify which letter was which, I'm not going to name any names, and mostly it'll just be for me.

But, if you're interested in reading them, you can find them here

I'll be updating them as often as I feel like, and when they're done, I may use that blog for more challenges along the way!

&hearts: b

and it'll probably be dark when me meet.

Living is easy with eyes closed.

The first of the year I wrote a list of ten things I wanted to do in 2010.

I feel like I've accomplished enough of that list to go through, and see what I have and have not done

10. Finish School- Check
9. Sort Things Out - Check
8.Draw at least one picture per week. Check(sofar)
7. Pack up and leave - NOTcheck
6. Own that Buzz Lightyear toy. NOTcheck
5. Go back to America - NOTcheck
4. Save money for things such as 5 and 6.
3. Learn how to play Guitar0 - Working on it
3.5 get over the fact that my hands are too small for such actitivies. - Dealing
2. Watch more foreign films. -Check
1. Love. -Check.

For a while there were a couple things on the list that I didn't think were possible.
6 months to finish the rest, I think I can manage.

♥b

Isn't it strange, how we all feel a little bit weird sometimes?

BRB

I would explain,
And I really would love too.

It's just, I'm too tired.

And, you probably aren't interested anyway.

untitled.

I hate it when people become really big assholes all of a sudden for no reason.

That is all.

Don't Stop Believing.

Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. She took the midnight train going anywhere.

Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit. He took the midnight train going anywhere.


You and me babe.

How 'bout it.


♥ b.

Fighting with Time and Space.

I'm done with lyrics, with cryptic.
All I want is the beauty that things can really be.
It seems that I've been too busy covering my eyes, my mind, and my imagintation.
Now, nothing is the way I wanted it to have been.
The violin has been playing,
You and I both know, it's never been something you've enjoyed.
Frankly, there's something else we both know.
You're just unwilling to admit to it, And hold on to a future unseen.
I've been where you haven't, you're going where I'm not.
The new land is calling,
and the reply has been sent.


♥ b.

And, I've got some favourite things.

Alana from THISBLOGOFWONDER asked some questions, and since I ramble, I made it a post.
She's awesome.
These are my answers.
that is all.

Favourite:

Song:This is hard for me, I have a lot of favourite songs... But I'ma go with 'Moonlight Sonata' Preferably the first movement, but the whole thing radiates a beauty like none other.
Place: The Beach. Always the beach.
Film: This is as hard as picking my favourite song, but currently it`s The Pianist.
Author: Steve Berry, for now.
Book: This probably makes me hyper lame, but... Moby Dick.
Series: HARRY POTTER.
Month: May.
Chocolate: Cadbury chocolate is godlike.
Person:
Road: (you don't have to name it, just describe) There's this road that I have to go down to get to my favourite beach. It's a dirt road, and there's farm on either side. Cows are oft near the wooden fence that's falling apart, the sides are lined with Lupins , and it leads to the beach.
House: (doesn't have to be one you've lived in) For me to tell you this you have to understand that PEI has two cities. I live in one for school, and my home is in the other. So anytime I travel from one city to the other I see this house. It's far back from the road, and the drive is roped off. The windows are boarded up, and no one has lived there for as long as I can remember. I want to live there some day.
Weather: Summer rain.
Season: Sprin.
City: New York :)
TV Show: Heroes.
Album: Currently Vauxhall and I - Morrissey
Cartoon Character: Buzz Lightyear.
Non-Fiction book: A Boy Called It. I think?
Animal: Elephants.

And things have changed.

I'm not who I was anymore.
I can see things better, and I can't be bothered with pretending anymore.
i'm done.

just done.

♥ b.