Well I'm so proud tonight, of the woman you've beome.

3 years ago:
I was the kind of girl who just didn't care. I was lost, I was broken, and I was miserable. I pretended like I was fine, but don't we all? I was tired of being me. I spent most of my time alone, and nothing doing anything productive. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I hated that. I thought for some reason that it would ruin me. That I would fail, if I didn't figure it out, and soon. I would look in the mirror and be absolutely disgusted with what I saw. I hated everything about me. I was young and lonely. It was like someone took a puzzle and threw the pieces everywhere and they were impossible to find. So when I was trying to put me together, nothing would work right.
three years ago I gave up on trying.

today:
I'm the kind of girl who cares a lot more. I have been found, reassembled, and I feel genuinely happy 99% of the time. There's no more pretending, I just am. I still spend a lot of time alone, but I'm okay with it. I find something productive to do. I read more, I've started drawing more, I have a journal that keeps all the rambles of my creativity. I still don't know what exactly I want to do with my life, but I'm okay with not knowing. I like the mystery, and I like knowing that I have the capability to choose anything. I'm not afraid of falling. I have fallen, and I found someone who took the word love, and made it more than a word. They made it a feeling. I spent the time I needed carefully looking for the puzzle pieces that I needed to complete me. With a lot of help from someone who was a piece of me without me knowing, I found all of those pieces. I can now look and the mirror and appreciate what I see. While I may not always be a fan, I appreciate it. And I know that in my own way, I am beautiful.
Today I have the pieces, and I'll spend the rest of my life enjoying putting them together.

I've started a journal.

I picked up a notebook... or 6, and I've decided I'm going to do a project. I've been feeling rather lazy lately.
Not lazy in a 'i don't do anything' kind of way, because I still do things. Not much mind you, but I don't just sit on my ass all day!
Lazy in the kind of way, where I don't do anything creative anymore.
I don't draw.
I don't paint.
I don't sketch.
I don't design.
I don't play.

And I'm afraid that if I let it go for too long, I'll be dull. I lose my creativity, and I'll lose one of the parts of me I like best.

And this is where the journal comes in.
Everyday, I will write something. Whether it be an idea I plan on doing, or a thought that passes through my mind. Ideas for drawings, updates on how it's going, things I've dreamed, memories, plans, anything.
Anything but an update of my day.

let it begin!

♥b.

charleston chews.

they're delicious.

Tonight I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, because I thought I was about to lose someone I couldn't stand losing.

It's been a long time since that happened, and it was unpleasant.

Lady in a Dragon Sweater

I do not like the viscosity of pudding, but I like the taste(usually), it causes many a problem. I find that happens a lot, in which I don't like the texture of something, but I love the taste. Then I just usually don't eat it.
I don't like it when things feel weird in my mouth(twss).

I need a vacation from the wind and the rain. I want more sunshine. When I wake up in the morning I was to see happiness in the skies. Don't get me wrong, I love the rain, and I love cloudy days. But this is just getting boring. I'm too happy for these gloomy days.
It's almost winter, the days are getting shorter, the nights are getting colder, and I really need a hug to keep me warm.
Volunteers?

I have officially started a countdown. I'm going to vist a few friends in the neighboring province which I've known about since the summer, and now as it's only about a month away, I feel like I can count down.
I'll be leaving my peaceful, little, boring island life of solitude for 4 whole days of Nova Sco-tee-ah. Full of friends, laughs, and hardly any sleep. I'm excited to make this journey all by myself. 4 hours of driving all alone, with my music, my thoughts, no one to bother me. It will be lovely!

Did I tell you I'm moving to England? No? Well I am. I'm hoping to get into a school there to study photography, but if I don't get in I'll go anyway. I'll find work.

♥b

I want a Dalmatian.

unknown

but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
didn't I, my dear?

Without Much Regard To The Moon

Or the stars.


Thinking: Something I haven't been doing a lot of, until lately.

I've spent the whole summer lounging about, spending my days at the beach, or reading, painting, drawing, you name it.
Which, aside from the never having money to do anything of any substance was quite splendid.
Now, the summer is almost over, and I've been working full time for about a month. The money is lovely, incredible actually, but I have less time for me.
Less time to explore the very depths of my own mind, less time to go to Narnia, or Camp Half-Blood.
Less time to draw myself new places to visit, new identities, new creatures.
Less time to work on the only tan I've had since I was 6 years old.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE working, I really do. I work in a bookshop, and for an avid reader, it's glorious to get to interact, and discuss what you've read(or are reading) with people for hours on end.
It's like I'm getting paid for book club.

School: I think I graduated

I've successfully complete 2 years of school, and graduated with pretty good grades, and a diploma in something I'm not even using.
Now, it's not that I'm bad at what I learned, it's just I don't think I'm that good.
My parents tell me I'm great, but I'm a bit skeptical at believing them.

But questioning my skills aside, I've been thinking that I want to do more. I want to learn more, and see more.
Do I go back into chemistry like I had originally planned?
Or, do I continue along the route of art? I've been thinking a lot about Art History, or just history in general. While they both intrigue me, I have absolutely no idea what one would do with a major in Art History.
And the more I think about it, the more I fear that I'm not cut out for anything, and I'm destined to be stuck on the Island, working in the bookshop for the rest of my life.


Travel: I really need to get out more.

I'm a curious, 21 year old girl with an interest in photography. I like to see the world the way it was meant to be seen, tragic, and beautiful.
Saying that, I feel like I haven't seen enough of the world. I've been out of Canada one time, which for a girl who lives in a community where everyone knows everyone else it was absolutely incredible!
I liked not knowing where I was going, who I was going to meet, or what I would see. I want more of that. I want more of this


People: Sometimes I like them.

My friends are all of back to university, and I'm here left alone. I bet you're probably thinking "stupid girl, stop complaining", but I don't like being alone. I never really have. I mean, I like having time to myself, but I like it when my friends are around when I need them to be and such.

Recently I've been talking to someone, with whom I lost touch with for a while. Not that it was wanted, but things happen and days pass by. Unconnected.
Have you ever known exactly how you feel about someone, but could never put words to it? I'm having this dilemma right now. Just knowing this person exists, brightens my day. I've been sat here for 20 minutes trying to find words to describe how fond I am of this person, but it's hard. They can make me smile when everything is falling to bits, and I find it very difficult to have a conversation with them without giggling uncontrollably. And when they say Hi to me, I light up.
I only wish they could see it.

Then one more thing about people, I've finally managed to get over it.
It took me longer than I wanted, but it's over, and I'm okay.



Myself: silly girl with too much time on her hands

Without getting too much into it, I had the idea not long ago where I was boring.
I thought about getting into some bad things to 'spice' up my life, if you will.
I've gotten past it, and have decided that even if I am boring, then I'm okay with it.
My life may be monotonous at times, but it is just that, my life.
So I should probably learn to enjoy it eh?

I'm working on it.


It's been a while, I hope to see you around more often

♥ b.

Trouble is a friend, but trouble is a foe.