Fancy Meeting You Here, maybe.

I'm not sure if you still read this, and I'm not entirely sure if I care, but I wanted to say some things. I'm sorry for the way I treated you, it was mean of me. Although, let's be honest... the feelings were mutual. I want to say I hope you're doing well, though I can't tell if that would be a polite lie, or the truth. It would be nice if it was the truth, but I've never been one to lie. You probably don't believe that, and other than giving you my word I have no way to prove it. I have no way to prove to you, I also have no way of proving that when I said there would still be a friendship I meant it. Considering any remnants of friendship have long been incinerated. I accept full responsibility for that. If you're wondering how I am, I'm good. The last actual conversation, and possibly one of the only ones, we had I mentioned I wasn't happy. That's changed. I've never been happier in my life. I'm married. It's unlikely you knew that. I accept full responsibility for that as well. I'm not saying these things to make you miss me, or make you miserable. It's simply small talk. Here's the bit where I wish you well, because I would never wish bad upon anyone. But that is something I'm sure I don't want to do. Instead, I'll say good luck to you, and offer some advice. Stop being so cynical, and hateful toward everything. When you find someone to love, tell them. Don't email it, or IM it, or text it. Say it. Face to face. More than once. That was your downfall. It wasn't ours. But yours. Ours was something entirely different. Good luck.

Because no one else would listen.

Lately, I've felt like no matter who I talk to, they just wish I'd go away. I feel that, if I start to talk about the things that are bothering me, they'll get annoyed. I'm worried that something is seriously wrong with me, and I don't know how to fix it. And no one seems to care(aside from the tim) I keep finding myself in these bizarre bouts of sadness for no reason at all, and no matter what I do, I can't get out.
The only thing\person that makes me happy is on the other side of the world, and all I want to do is go back there, where I was happy all the time. I hate feeling like nothing is ever going my way, like the whole world is against me.
I hate feeling like my best friend is completely annoyed by me, and doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. I'm sure he isn't, but I can't help but feel he's avoiding me.
I keep letting myself get hurt by little things that I'm sure mean nothing, like not being invited somewhere. Or being invited somewhere out of pity, when in reality I wasn't actually being invited to go, it was just go cover up the fact that I wasn't invited. It's stupid, and I know it is, but I can't stop letting things like that bring me down.

I can't talk to anyone about it, because no one will listen, or no one cares. That's not true, I have one person to talk about it with, but again, he's always asleep when this stuff happens. I'm always happy when I'm talking to him, or waiting for him to come online. But as soon as he's gone, and I've been on my own for a while... the sad just creeps up on me. I hate it.

I have no job, no money, no car, a boyfriend who lives in another country, friends who I feel like can't be bothered, a mother who won't get off my case, and a loneliness that follows me around poking me every time there's an opportunity.

But instead of feeling sorry for myself all the time, like I have been... I've decided to put together a list of all of the things that I should be grateful for, because they always keep me happy.

the list of happy
-Tim. No matter what's happening, or who is bothering me, he always always makes me happy. He's the reason behind every one of my smiles
-He's coming to visit in 40 days
-It's almost Christmas
-Soon enough, I'll be going back to England
-I'm starting to draw more
-I'm teaching myself how to be better at photography
-I've lost weight, which is a big thing for me cause i'm a fatty fat fatty.
-There's a cup of tea brewing with my name on it.
-Things have been worse, and I know that no matter how bad things get, I'll never be that sad again.

I may be going through a tough time right now, and even though I feel like it'll never end, I know it will. And there's always something that will make me smile, be it a sweet text from tim in the morning, or a crisp fall afternoon walk. There's always a reason to smile, and I guess I just have to suck it up.



♥ b.


Cheer up and dry your damp eyes

I've abandoned you.

But, that won't be the case for long.

While I do have lots to say, I don't have much time to say any of it just now, but I will say these things:

I have moved from Canada to England.
I moved here for love.
It was the best decision I have ever made.
Sometimes I miss home.
Everything here is so beautiful, and new.


I'm happy, and content, and I get excited to wake up in the morning cause I know I won't be alone anymore.
I don't know if you've ever been in love, and I don't know what your story was, but if you have been in love then you know(or at least, kind of) how I feel. Everything is brighter, I'm happier, things have a better meaning, I'm no longer lonely.
I'm still me, just better.
If you've never been in love, don't be sad... there will be a time when someone loves you more than anything in this whole world. And when they do, and when you love them back, everything that has ever confused you will make sense.

For now, I bid you adieu.

♥ b.

I'll be back, I promise.

in other news.

i have a tumblr that I use sometimes.

do you?

Well I'm so proud tonight, of the woman you've beome.

3 years ago:
I was the kind of girl who just didn't care. I was lost, I was broken, and I was miserable. I pretended like I was fine, but don't we all? I was tired of being me. I spent most of my time alone, and nothing doing anything productive. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I hated that. I thought for some reason that it would ruin me. That I would fail, if I didn't figure it out, and soon. I would look in the mirror and be absolutely disgusted with what I saw. I hated everything about me. I was young and lonely. It was like someone took a puzzle and threw the pieces everywhere and they were impossible to find. So when I was trying to put me together, nothing would work right.
three years ago I gave up on trying.

today:
I'm the kind of girl who cares a lot more. I have been found, reassembled, and I feel genuinely happy 99% of the time. There's no more pretending, I just am. I still spend a lot of time alone, but I'm okay with it. I find something productive to do. I read more, I've started drawing more, I have a journal that keeps all the rambles of my creativity. I still don't know what exactly I want to do with my life, but I'm okay with not knowing. I like the mystery, and I like knowing that I have the capability to choose anything. I'm not afraid of falling. I have fallen, and I found someone who took the word love, and made it more than a word. They made it a feeling. I spent the time I needed carefully looking for the puzzle pieces that I needed to complete me. With a lot of help from someone who was a piece of me without me knowing, I found all of those pieces. I can now look and the mirror and appreciate what I see. While I may not always be a fan, I appreciate it. And I know that in my own way, I am beautiful.
Today I have the pieces, and I'll spend the rest of my life enjoying putting them together.

I've started a journal.

I picked up a notebook... or 6, and I've decided I'm going to do a project. I've been feeling rather lazy lately.
Not lazy in a 'i don't do anything' kind of way, because I still do things. Not much mind you, but I don't just sit on my ass all day!
Lazy in the kind of way, where I don't do anything creative anymore.
I don't draw.
I don't paint.
I don't sketch.
I don't design.
I don't play.

And I'm afraid that if I let it go for too long, I'll be dull. I lose my creativity, and I'll lose one of the parts of me I like best.

And this is where the journal comes in.
Everyday, I will write something. Whether it be an idea I plan on doing, or a thought that passes through my mind. Ideas for drawings, updates on how it's going, things I've dreamed, memories, plans, anything.
Anything but an update of my day.

let it begin!

♥b.

charleston chews.

they're delicious.