Not a List

No, this time I actually feel as if I have something legit to write. And by 'legit' I mean, not a list.

It's 3:08AM, and for some peculiar reason, I'm wide awake. This could be because I had a nap this afternoon, or it could be because it's way too hot in my room. However, I think it might just be because I've a lot of things on my mind, that my brain won't let go of.

And such, with no one to talk to, I've resorted to posting a blog with everything that's on my mind.

This is fact, not fiction for the first time in years. I don't lie about things ever, but I feel like I've been telling people lies because I believe them to be truths.
Is it really a lie though, if what I'm telling you is something I think with everything that I am is true? Or is it still a lie, if it is in-fact... not the truth?
I don't what I'm saying anymore. To you, to myself, to the world. It doesn't make sense to me anymore. And while at the same time, it all makes sense. And I realize for any unfortunate soul who happens upon reading this, that it won't make any sense.

I know this, because I don't get it either.

My Heart.
It confuses me daily. My brain knows what it wants, but so does my heart. It's unfortunate really that they aren't the same thing.
conflicts.
I know in my heart I did the right thing, but a part of my brain disagrees.
Have you ever had that before? I'm sure you have... it can't just be me right? I hope not.
It's discouraging either way. And nothing good can ever come from a conflict such as that between the brain, and the heart. Which ever one you choose to side with, will end up jumping out of your body, with a knife to go a murder someones feelings.
asshole.

People.
My love-hate relationship with people grows each day. Sometimes it's more along the 'love' side. While more often than not it veers toward the 'hate' side. I'd like to be that girl who could accept the way people act, but I can't.
I can't accept that you won't leave me alone. I can't accept that you don't care about what happened. I can't accept that you pretend things are peachy. I can't accept that fact that you don't believe me. I can't accept the fact that you did what you did to me, no matter how great it may be. I can't accept the fact that you said what you did.
Over all. I can't accept you.
Not anymore.

Other People.
friends to be more specific. I've got great ones. I've got okay ones. And some that just don't bother. I've friends that I've known my whole life, and friends that I've never actually met before. Allow me to further discuss those friends in which I've never met.
Internet randoms. They're great. In-fact one of my best friends is an internet random. Now, I'm not going to get into the exact details of how we met, but let's just say creeping was involved. And such a friendship blossomed. Okay, so maybe he's a few years younger than me... but he knows a lot more about me than most people. Partially because we've realized we're the same person. Twins if you will.
separated at birth.
a whole ocean of separation.

And then, I have other friends. Real friends. Who, though I never ever see anymore. Know me better than anyone. Who I miss terribly when they're gone. But love to be around when we're together. I just miss them a lot.
morethananything.

School
sweetbabyjesus. Why did i ever decide to do what I'm doing? and when did I think it would be enjoyable? I mean, it's school... and since when has school been anything but crazy? But. Regrets.
regretsregrets.
I've decided though, i'm going to stop wasting my time in unnecessary endeavors upon 'graduation'. And take the time I need to save up money, buy a car, build a decent photographic portfolio, and apply to schools away from here. I've thought about one in Ireland, and one in Michigan. Both would offer me a degree in photography(were I to be accepted), and both offer me the opportunity to be around people I enjoy.
And while Ireland is full of irish people. America is closer to home.

And last but not least.

Dreams.
and no, not the 'goals' kind.
the type you have when you're asleep.
I've been having the same dream for days now. Now, normally I don't believe all that 'your dreams are telling you something' hullabaloo... but it's been almost a week straight. Each night, I have the same dream. Nothing is different. The clothing worn is the same, the haircut the same, the street names the same, the people, the same. The way things are said. You guessed it. THE SAME.



So now, when I go to bed, I think about all of those things. And there's much much much more to be said about each, but I've wasted your time long enough.




♥b

"Things will get better" i told myself
"No they won't" replied my reflection.

Jammers

Of the kool-aid variety.
They were on sale this week, so I picked up a box.

And I would like to say, that as a 20 year old. I think they're phenomenal.


♥b

2am. really?

Apparently, people...who shall remain nameless... like to be super loud whilst other people are sleeping.

And when sleeping person wakes up and asks awake person to be a little more quiet, they do not.

It's not like sleepy person dislikes awake person, it's just right now she's really angry because she was hoping tonight would be the first decent sleep she's had in a while. And like, she really wants awake person to be just a couple notches more quiet.

A few dB really is all she asks.

Only a few.

Before I Die 100-75

I figure, it's going to take me a while to write this list, so why not put it in parts.
Four of them to be exact.

So, why not start it eh?

100. Learn to beatbox. I've said it before, and I will said it a million times. Like, i can NOT die until I've learned how to beatbox.
99. Spend more than 300$ on a purse. Yeah, sure spend my money on material things? No big deal right? Wrong. It's very hard for me to spend money. I'm so cheap. Like buying things at the dollar store hurts me.
98. Go one whole year without ever buying a pair of shoes. Considering I'm cheap and all, I have a shoe addiction. It's unhealthy
97. Take up piano again. A large part of my life I let get pushed aside.
96. Read Every single Stephen King Book. At least 5 times. AT LEAST.
95. Get in a plane, and not freak out. This coming from a girl who can't stand on a chair without having a small panic attack.
94. Be part of something. A book club, a band, a no-boys-allowed club. just something.
93. Learn all the words to every single Smiths song.
92. Bake a cake. from scratch. For someone. For no reason.
91. Live off of PEI for more than one full year.
90. Donate money to charity.
89. Be comfortable with myself (I'll be really disappointed if I don't get this one done)
88. Ride in a train. Because it'll make me feel like i'm going to Hogwarts.
87. Own my own house. (lame eh?)
86. Mustang. Orange plz.
85. Forgive that one person.
84. Go Sailing. because for a girl who lives on an island, I've only ever been on a ferry. once.
83. Meet my internet/blogger friends IRL. Cause, y'all are important to me. :D
82. Find out why it is that 82 is my favourite number. There's a reason I'm sure.
81. bake fudge as good as Grammy's
80. Take a legit vacation to somewhere tropical in the winter time.
79. Make a short film.
78. Buy a dalmatian, and depending on it's gender call it Perdy or Pongo.
77. Road trip!
76. be more open. I tend to not ever talk about things.
75. take the time to find meaning again.




And that's it folks. Well for this edition anyhow.
Also, if you've not heard about it yet, MTV has a new show called The Buried Life,about 4 guys who have a list of things they wanna do, and everytime they complete something on their list, they help someone knock something off a list of their own. It's beautiful really.

http://www.mtv.ca/tvshows/buried-life/index.jhtml
www.theburiedlife.com



♥ b.

times eight

I'll admit I stole this from another spectacular blogger. Check her out? kthx.



8 Things I look forward to
1) Summertime. I always look forward to summer.
2) Seeing more movies this month than I can imagine.
3) Going back to America, when I have both the money and the time.
4) My dad being able to go back to work. He'll be so excited when he can walk again
5) Taking pictures in the snow.
6) Spending more time on 'me'
7) Finishing school.
8) Taking a year off to save up some money to school elsewhere :)


8 Things I did yesterday (in order)

1) Woke up, too early and fell back asleep
2) Woke up again, and checked my computer for any messages.
3) Walked to my friends house.
4) Took the bus to see Avatar (in 3D... again)
5) Got home, and browsed the internet some more.
6) Watched some crazy Irish movie called 'Kisses'
7) Spent some time alone.
8) Talked to someone I enjoy greatly :)

8 Things I wish I could do

1) Be Brave.
2) Apparate. Like really, it would be so much easier.
3) Play guitar
4) Sing well. I just think it would be nice.
5) Travel more.
6) Understand myself a bit more. I'm confusing to say the least.
7) Punch someone in the face, without regret.
8) Ride a horse.

8 Movies I love right now

1) Amelie
2) Avatar!<3
3) UP
4) The Pianist
5) District 9
6) Across the Universe
7) Penelope
8) Jeux D'enfants.

8 Albums I currently adore

1) White Water, White Bloom - Sea Wolf
2) Meat Is Murder - The Smiths
3) Set Yourself on Fire - Stars
4) Party Rock - LMFAO (don't judge me)
5) Like Vines - The Hush Sound
6) The Fame Monster - Lady Gaga
7) Across the Universe Soundtrack
8) Do You Like Rock Music? - British Sea Power

10 things in twenny ten

I know I said I didn't have many resolutions, in-fact... I said I didn't have any at all.
When really I do. Kinda.
I guess they aren't really resolutions just some things that I've been meaning to do. And I have two lists.
A 2010 list, and a 'before i die' list. Not that I plan on dying anytime soon, I just feel like if I write them down, it'll be easier to remember to do them.

For the year 2010 I have 10 things that I want to do.
twenny10, 10 things. clever eh?

10. Finish School- Simple right? Wrong, it's tough for me... but i'ma do it.
9. Sort Things Out - Without getting to much into it, there's someone I gotta sort things out with.
8.Draw at least one picture per week. I just need to draw more.
7. Pack up and leave - Not that I don't love home, i just really need to get out of here for a while.
6. Own that Buzz Lightyear toy. Like I seriously need it
5. Go back to America - Maybe stay longer this time
4. Save money for things such as 5 and 6.
3. Learn how to play Guitar
3.5 get over the fact that my hands are too small for such actitivies.
2. Watch more foreign films.
1. Love.


I'm still working on the 'before I die' list, but you can expect it soon :)

Don't Worry.

It's already 3 days into the 'new' year, and I've yet to make a resolution.
I suppose I could just do what i do every year, and just ignore it.

I don't need to change right? Right? Wrong.
I do. But I can't commit. I know I should change, I want to change, but everytime I try... I fail.

I fail at changing.


And while I may get advice like 'Don't change who you are'.
And while I'd love to actually take, and agree with that advice... you just don't know me like I do.

So, for the first time I'm going to make a resolution, and commit at trying my best to achieve it.

This year: Be Happy.
I'm too tired to deal with this anymore. I'm just too tired.