Lately, I've felt like no matter who I talk to, they just wish I'd go away. I feel that, if I start to talk about the things that are bothering me, they'll get annoyed. I'm worried that something is seriously wrong with me, and I don't know how to fix it. And no one seems to care(aside from the tim) I keep finding myself in these bizarre bouts of sadness for no reason at all, and no matter what I do, I can't get out.
The only thing\person that makes me happy is on the other side of the world, and all I want to do is go back there, where I was happy all the time. I hate feeling like nothing is ever going my way, like the whole world is against me.
I hate feeling like my best friend is completely annoyed by me, and doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. I'm sure he isn't, but I can't help but feel he's avoiding me.
I keep letting myself get hurt by little things that I'm sure mean nothing, like not being invited somewhere. Or being invited somewhere out of pity, when in reality I wasn't actually being invited to go, it was just go cover up the fact that I wasn't invited. It's stupid, and I know it is, but I can't stop letting things like that bring me down.
I can't talk to anyone about it, because no one will listen, or no one cares. That's not true, I have one person to talk about it with, but again, he's always asleep when this stuff happens. I'm always happy when I'm talking to him, or waiting for him to come online. But as soon as he's gone, and I've been on my own for a while... the sad just creeps up on me. I hate it.
I have no job, no money, no car, a boyfriend who lives in another country, friends who I feel like can't be bothered, a mother who won't get off my case, and a loneliness that follows me around poking me every time there's an opportunity.
But instead of feeling sorry for myself all the time, like I have been... I've decided to put together a list of all of the things that I should be grateful for, because they always keep me happy.
the list of happy
-Tim. No matter what's happening, or who is bothering me, he always always makes me happy. He's the reason behind every one of my smiles
-He's coming to visit in 40 days
-It's almost Christmas
-Soon enough, I'll be going back to England
-I'm starting to draw more
-I'm teaching myself how to be better at photography
-I've lost weight, which is a big thing for me cause i'm a fatty fat fatty.
-There's a cup of tea brewing with my name on it.
-Things have been worse, and I know that no matter how bad things get, I'll never be that sad again.
I may be going through a tough time right now, and even though I feel like it'll never end, I know it will. And there's always something that will make me smile, be it a sweet text from tim in the morning, or a crisp fall afternoon walk. There's always a reason to smile, and I guess I just have to suck it up.
♥ b.
Cheer up and dry your damp eyes
