I've been working on a cocktail...

... called 'Grounds for Divorce'. 

I'm beginning to realize more and more that in order to do what I want, to be where I want, to be who I'm going to be, I most definitely need to get away from here. 

And it's not like I don't like it here, as I've specified numerous times, because I quite like PEI...

It's just .. dull, and uninspiring. 

Today in communications we were talking about making resumes for possible jobs, we'd want. At first thought, I was like "Alright, this is going to be easy... No problem". But then I started thinking about it, and I really have no idea what I want to do. I'm not even sure why I'm in school anymore. I mean, I know school is something I want to do, and not just something I feel like I need to do, and so I will do it. 

I thought a lot about doing photojournalism, and I'm still thinking that eventually. That's where I want to end up I think.

I think it would be most interesting, but at the same time, I feel as though I've not seen enough of the world(or any for that matter). I haven't really been past the neighbors front lawn. 

In order for me to photograph, and write about the world, I need to experience it. I need to see it from my own eyes, first hand. Not just through books, or photos, or film. I don't just want to know about the world, I want to experience it. 

I was speaking with Carole on MSN the other day, and we spoke about things that neither of us had really told anyone, and that lead to a conversation about the parents, which in turn somehow lead to us discussing what I wanted. And after some careful thinking I want 3 things, first and foremost; I want my parents to understand that I'm not who they think I am.  Next; .... And last, but certainly not least; I want to be happy, And I believe that if I manage to get the first two, I will be such, and if not completely vast amounts more than I am right now. A sunny day would even cheer me up. Yes, a sunny day would be nice. 

I spy a boy, I spy a girl. I spy the worst place, in the world. 

♥ b

I want you

're music!

Alright, so I'm looking to broaden my musical horizons. And what I though would be a fun way to to do so, would be to get you lovely people to suggest and album, or a couple by different artists that I should look into. 

I like practically anything, you don't even have to think I might like it, just tell me to get it, and I'll see what I can do. 

I'm actually really excited about this, because music is what keeps me going, when all is said and done. Without music, I wouldn't be who I am today, and I know this for a fact. And along with a couple people, it's been the only reason I--I'm not really sure what the word I'm looking for here is-- Am? am here? I dunno, without getting too much into my personal life, I'll just say it's really important. 

So, in order for me to get to know you a bit better, I want you to tell me your favourite album of all time, or even your current favourite album. Both perhaps? Maybe not your favourite, maybe one that reminds you of someone that makes you happy, a best friend, sibling, parent, dog. Could be one that helped you through a tough time. Or even an album that just plain makes you wish the world was as amazing as that album. 

With the album, tell me why though. Don't just give me an album and not tell me why I should look into it:D I mean, I still will ... But like I said, I want to get to know you guys a bit betta :D

♥ b. 

My current favourite albums :

Different Class - Pulp 

The Seldom Seen Kid - Elbow. 

Both recommended by guys I'm very fond of, and so they remind me of each person, and are both equally amazing albums. 

Branch-Rice HATES me.

I fell down the stairs last night. Yep. Well, it was more like this morning.. close to 2 or maybe 3 in the am of course. I needed a beverage so I was sneaking down the stairs, trying to make as little noise as possible.

That was until I slipped and fell down the stairs. 

What happened was, I slipped on a few steps... no big deal, then I tried to get up. Hah. Bad idea, because then I just missed a stair, and tumbled down 4 or 5 stairs. 

I stopped when I hit the wall.

With my face. 

Go ahead, you can laugh. It's a funny story, I laughed as it happened. ^-^

So, Karen started a bedroom tag, and I was so pumped to do it. But my camera zoom is like over 9000, so without even zooming in, it's hella zoomed it. I tried to get a picture of my room, and I got... window. Which, you know would work out fine if we were doing a window tag. But, we aren't. *sigh*.

Anyway, I've really not much to say, I spose I should get back to toiling away at hours of homework that my teacher thinks I can get done in one weekend :D

♥ b. 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

I sang today, 

but it wasn't good. 

I drew a picture today, 

but I didn't finish it. 

I saw a tractor trailer full of tires, 

not really sure why though.

I missed someone today, 

but didn't have the chance to tell them.

I was given some advice today, 

and I didn't take it right away.

I should have gone to my own school today, 

but I went to philosophy with a friend. 

I heard a song on the radio I liked, 

can't remember the name of it though.

I was going to visit someone today, 

but I kept walking.

I laughed today, 

and I felt a bit happier. 

Today, was a lovely day. Skipped school, hit up a philosophy class, perused the streets with a faux british accent(horribly by the way), just had a lovely time. In this philosophy class I learned about ambiguities, and syntactic, and semantic ones, here are some of the examples the teacher gave us, now keep in mind these are actual headlines:

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

Local High School Drop-Outs Cut In Half

Elderly Often Burn Victims. 

Then he said something like "I love philosophy more than my wife"  ... "Now does that mean my wife loves philosophy? Or I love philosophy more than I love my wife? And there's also the concept of love... what is that anyway??"

I laughed, and below is a diagram of how this man draws a cat. (Side note I just spelled cat with a k, and wondered why it was wrong O.o) 

MS PAINT FTW. 

And that's all folks. 

♥ b. 

A sign reads:

'Summit Centre - Oral and Facial Surgery"

B says "You should go in there and get some facial surgery, because I don't really like your face"

Kirs says "You should go in there and get some oral..."

At the same time B says "What's wrong with my teeth??:(" WHILST Kirs says "Pop that cherry."

It was a long day.

A very, very, very long day.

I sat around my room, working on homework , listening to music, cleaning up a little. 

I didn't go to school today, because basically I didn't feel like talking to anyone. (And a different reason, but I don't wanna get into that).

I honestly don't have that much to say, I feel like my mind is a big jumble of empty, if that makes any sense? I'm thinking probably not. 

Be patient with me guys, it may talk a while for me to snap back into my regular writing habits. 

♥ b. 

In The Centre Of The City

I went to visit Colin  this weekend, and it was so much fun.

In other news, I've been relying on music a lot more than I usually do. I've been going through a tough time mentally, and there's a few songs that I keep listening to because for some reason they help with the mental confusion. And I thought, hey why not share that list of songs with mah blogger friends :) Because you guys truly are wonderful. 

The songs that have been played frequently on my iTunes are:

Rainbow Veins - Owl City

Ten Thousand Lines - PlayRadioPlay!

Joe - The Cranberries

Sea Of Love - Cat Power

Messes Of Men - mewithoutYou

Hoppipolla - Sigur Ros

Rain Awhile - Stabilo

Midna's Suite - Z.R.E.O Team

Sound Of Water - Sarah Slean

Stare - Marjorie Fair

Neon Tiger - The Killers

Everything Will Be Alright - The Killers

Atmosphere - Joy Division

Shadowplay - Joy Division

No Lucifer - British Sea Power

Little Bird - The Weepies

Each of these songs, has their own reason as to why the help, and I'm not really going to get into all of them individually because we would be here for days, and this is already a super long blog post as it is. So I think I'm going to end it there, because I really need to get my room cleaned, I just needed to put that down, even though I didn't really write as to why I've been so frazzled in the mind lately... But that's alright.. Perhaps another time.  :)

♥ b.

Also...

Handlebars - Flobots. Good song. Just saying. 

LOL quote.

We were watching Becoming Jane, which incase you didn't know, is about Jane Austen.

Movie starts, Anne Hathaway, playing Jane Austen shows on screen.

Colin "So... Is that Anne Frank?"

Becky  ".............." 

Colin stares .

Becky "Jane Austen."

Colin "Well.. then who's Anne Frank?"

Becky "That JEWISH Girl"

Colin  "Ohhhhhh"

*shakes head*

I'm at COLIN'S

WOOOO.

Much excitement. I'm sooo pumped. 

He's just over there putting away his unmentionables. 

OMG HE'S FINALLY DONE. 

SOO MANY PEOPLE.

kthxbai

♥b

I went fishing today

Well not really, because I don't fish, nor do I ever want to. 

The thought of just sitting there in a boat, waiting and waiting to catch a fish, just doesn't appeal to me. 

Even virtually it's not fun. 

Not fun at all.

So I had some food today! Which was good, although I didn't eat much. Half a muffin, a bowl of Lucky Charms, and some bar-clams. Woo. Not all at the same time of course, because that would be gross. Even thinking of it is making me feel a bit more ill than I already am. 

I haven't been doing much of anything the past couple of days, due to feeling mentally, and physically unwell. 

And by mentally unwell, I don't mean that I'm crazy or anything, I just had some things being tossed around my brain that I didn't want there. 

All is well now. 

Gah! I can no longer fish anymore. This game is just getting boring now. 

Just plain boring. 

And today was followed by general happy, minus the sick. 

♥ b. 

And new facebook friends :)

I Can't Understand this song, But it's beautiful anyhow.

And so he said "Cheer up and dry your damp eyes". 

I tried, I really did. But, I just couldn't, I still can't. I don't much care for cheering up right now. I told myself that next time I was feeling low I would try Tinne's  'list of good things' thing. I'm sitting here, and this is all the I can think of that's good right now:

I'm home alone. Now, I bet you're like, home alone?? Wouldn't that make you more upset? The answer is no, there's just always so many people around, I like it when no one is here. 

I'm really far in Twilight Princess. Which is good, considering I play it all the time. Although, I did get frustrated with it, so I had to turn it off.

>

I bought a box of Lucky Charms today. A big box, they were on sale.  Now I don't know about you, but thre's something about a cereal full of marshmallows that just makes it impossible to be sad whilst eating them.

And that's it. I spose it helped a little bit. But not really. Oh well, I tried it. :)

Also, I've contracted the plague. Possibly not the plague exactly, but an illness yes. You know the one, that's been hovering over the maritimes looking for victims to step out of their houses, all unaware. Yeah... That's the one. 

Ho-lee! I just dropped my computer on my face. How lovely, now it hurts. Urg. Oh! Nevermind, that's been taken care of for me! 

OH!OH OH OH OH Ohhhhhhohohohohoh!!! I just remembered something else to add to that list:

I'm going to Colin's this weekend!!! Eeeeeeee! So much excitement there. I can't even wait actually, I wish it was Friday already. A whole weekend with Colin! Yay!! I do love that kid. 

19'th birthday's FTW :)

Ahh, Sarah Slean and the beauty that is her music. 

♥ b. 

It's alright love, you're in good hands. 

I'm A Mountain, Well... I climbed one.

I'm horrible at cheering people up.

Especially when I'm not too much in a cheery mood myself.  There are two people who occupy a large part of my heart, both obviously differently, but I love them both very much.  Each of them with a different problem, both problems I don't know how to solve. 

Today was a much needed day of caffeine, photos, friends and ice-cream. Although, the amount of ice-cream and caffeine, I could have... and probably should have done without.

I feel like I'm going to be ill. Gah! I don't know if it's because of the like... OH. MY.FUCK.

I accidentally a half a box of ice-cream. Kris accidentally the other half. It was very unwise on both of our parts, but hilarious none-the-less. 

After we decided that the one bite left was too much for us to handle, we pulled over on the side of the road, and tossed the box into the ditch. Well.. tried. The box, hit the tire and like ricocheted onto the road, where it will remain until it decomposes. 

Despite everything, today was a generally hilarious day. 

I climbed a mountain, and almost died 1500 times. See that? Skillz.

I climbed like 5 feet and had a small heart-attack. I'm terribly afraid of heights.

♥ b.

Ps. Again, I say that if I could be sad for eternity, so that those I love could be happy... I'd do it.

P.p.s. I'll never eat ice-cream again. 

He was A BSB....

So, I spent the weekend at my sisters.

Joys. *rolls eyes*

Now, I'm sure I've been over this numerous times, she and I aren't the same anymore. Well... She's the same. I'm not. This became very clear to me when I was telling her of my plans to leave Canada when I was finished of school. Now, she took this as me saying "I hate home". Not true, I love home, I really do. I just need to get away. 

But all this is, is me leaving her. That's all she cares about, is not having me around so she can judge everything I do. 

Drives me INSANE.

I ran into Kristie while I was there though, and invited her to come to Lindy's for a bit, because I needed more 

interaction than just Lindy. So Kristie came, and that was good times, we played trivial pursuit. I remember Kristie had this one question that went somewhere along the lines of 

"Who told the crowd he had been sober for 2 months just before being asked if he wanted a glass of Champagne(Nectar of the Gods) by Jamie FOxx" 

Kristie turns over the card, "I don't even know who this is"

Becky "Hmm... Well just ask us the question"

So then she proceeded with the question, Lindy and I didn't know the answer. So Kristie read the answer

"A.J. MacLean"

My jaw dropped.  I stared at her in complete disbelief. 

All the while I'm wearing my Backstreet Boys shirt. 

"What? Should I know who he is?" She asked.

"Kristie, he's one of the BSB's"

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

I'm appalled at her lack of BSB knowledge. 

In a different note whilst I was being held in the Temple of Doom, I had no internet, AND my phone was dead.

♥ b. 

I'll have to educate Kristie is BSBisms. 

I have an addiction.

Sometimes, there are things that just take over your life. 

Now, I hope I won't let it completely consume me, but the latest Zelda game acquired by me, is beginning to do such. 

Curse you Twilight Princess! CURSE YOU. 

Oh, A drew this for a friend. Just to show you how addicted I am to that game right now. I can't wait for it to be finished. Really. This is getting insane. 

Anyway....

On to more important things, well not really important just stuff that isn't Zelda related.

I'm starting to shut myself off from people, and I haven't been really noticing until today.  And I mean, I'm not too much of a socialite during the day as it is. I was taking a gander through my recent chat logs, with some people, as yes, I quite frequently do, and I noticed that most of my answers and replies are very short, and had very little or no substance behind them.  And I really don't know why, and I know it's not because of the Zelda addiction, this is recent. I really don't know what's going on there, but since I have noticed it... I'm working on making sure I don't continue with it. 

And in other news, while out for lunch yesterday, I mentioned that I had no social life, which due to living an hour away from school/friends results in such. I continued to say that me finding an apartment (should I choose to live on PEI next year) is crucial. G, suggested that he and I get an apartment together next year. I laughed.

Going to Lindy's(the sista's) tomorrow, for the night. A part of me is excited because I'll be in Ch'town, but then... GAH! Lindy. Lindy, Lindy, Lindy, LINDY. She can get uber annoying sometimes. Which is unfortunate. She's really judgmental to, which is why I've stopped telling her about my life. Because she'll be like "JUDGEJUDGEJUDGE" And I don't want that. Nope, nope.

But maybe, I'll stop cutting myself off from people, maybe I won't live in PEI, maybe I'll tell Lindy things. But then again, maybe I won't.

I've never been good with maybe. 

♥ b. 

So far...

So good...

2009 is turning out to be pretty decent so far, I mean there've been a couple bad days, but there always is. 

Got my student loan money yesterday! Wahoo, so I of course bought a new phone, and Twlight Princess. Incase y you didn't know, that's a Zelda game. It's pretty decent so far, but I'm being more and more addicted to it. AHH!

I also bought some winter boots. Because, living in Canada winter boots are an essential item to your wardrobe I think. Anyway, they're fuzzy, and I like them. Fuzzy boots. 

So yeah, school is turning out to be great so far, and I'm really liking my classes this semester. We painted all morning, I love painting. Everyone was complaining about having painting and stuff to do, but I was like PSSH! I love painting! So that's good, we also did photography yesterday :) Yay!!Photography holds a large part of my heart. We had to pick photographers for our final project today, pick a photographer from the list, and do a presentation. So, I asked her about the sign up sheet, because if Ansel Adams was on that list, I was going to have him. Branch-Rice went to her office to get it, then I quickly ran up to the cafeteria to get some sugar for my tea. When I got back down Branch-Rice was back, with the sheet of course. Looked at it. *GASP* Nate stole Ansel. I was not pleased. So I had to go through the list, and try to sell one of the other photographers for him to do, so I could have Ansel. Took me like THE WHOLE LIST, but I did it. I got Ansel :) February 3 = Presentation. 45 minutes to one hour long. I HATE presentations. But, I spose my class only has 10 people in it. Actually Nine. Nine and a Goron. Won't be too bad. :)

So my new phone, it's pretty sweet. I can text INTERNATIONALLY =D. Yesssssss

HAH! Check this out (THIS). 

I laughed. 

So, money savings is going well. Hooray for saving. I'm usually horrible at saving money. I'm too much of an impulse buyer. I buy things I don't even need. For example, if somethings on sale, and it's a decent price... I'll probably buy it. Chances are it would be something like this 

*Becky walks into a store, and peruses through the aisles,

"What's this?" She exclaims! Her eyes have met a sale sign. 

'50% off' *gasp* She gasps, "that's such a good price!! I should buy it"

She puts the item in her shopping cart, and proceeds to the checkout, once the item is paid for she drives home.

When Becky gets home she shows of her new Meat Grinder.* 

Particularly useful for the Vegetarian that I am. 

Back to Zelda I presume :)

♥ b.

P.S. We did figure drawing again today. Another man. He's a professional biker or something. He stood realllllllllllllllllly close to me. Whilst in the nude. It was slightly awkward. 

P.P.S To check out the amazing that is Ansel Adams, go here. (HERE)

 

Things Are Reminding Me Of You

I've been feeling really weird a lot lately, and I'm not sure what the cause of this is. I do know however that there are some things that I would like to say. Some truths I just can't manage to get out, so I figure, AH! My blog! A perfect place to come and write something so personal, that I would never be able to put anywhere else. 

A list of truths contain such:

I'm beginning to actually really dislike my family. I know, I know, this is a horrible thing. And I'll love them no matter what, but I feel like they're just holding me back. Keeping me trapped in this place, unable to ever leave. 

I need to be happy. I haven't been feeling much of anything lately, and all I want is to feel at least a tiny bit of happy. Now, I'm not going to get into the reasons behind this, but I just want to be happy. Scratch that, I need to be happy.

I'm bored. With everything, with my house, with school, with no job, with my artwork, with my photos. Just bored. 

I don't believe in God anymore. I used to with all of my heart, and everything that I was. Too much has happened in my life, which led me to believe I'd be abandoned by 'God'. There was a point where I did believe, I just questioned it a lot. I'm now to the point where I do not believe, and nothing can be done to change that. It's just how it's going to be. Well, until Jesus comes down and talks to me himself. Until then though, nada. 

I really do love PEI. Just there's so much about it that makes me smile, the beaches, the people, the communities, the culture. It's just really a great place. But the thing is, I'm growing tired of it.  I need a change of pace, a change of culture. Just a change really, one that PEI can't provide me with.  So when money is stable, when school is done I will leave. 

And the last one that's been jumping around my brain lately is: I don't know who I am.Colin tells me, I'm Becky Ann, my parents are Cindy and Lloyd, I was born on a beautiful spring day in May in the Prince County Hospital, I have three siblings: one older sister, and two younger twin brothers. All of these things are true, yes. But those are just facts about me...I just...I... I don't know who I am, and it's taken a lot of thinking, and a lot of questioning to realize this. But today, I was just sat here thinking, and I thought to myself "Who are you?" And no answer came about. 

I know I need home, and I need PEI, and I need my friends to help me realize who I am, but I think I need to be away from them for a bit to realize this.

♥ b.