Not a List

No, this time I actually feel as if I have something legit to write. And by 'legit' I mean, not a list.

It's 3:08AM, and for some peculiar reason, I'm wide awake. This could be because I had a nap this afternoon, or it could be because it's way too hot in my room. However, I think it might just be because I've a lot of things on my mind, that my brain won't let go of.

And such, with no one to talk to, I've resorted to posting a blog with everything that's on my mind.

This is fact, not fiction for the first time in years. I don't lie about things ever, but I feel like I've been telling people lies because I believe them to be truths.
Is it really a lie though, if what I'm telling you is something I think with everything that I am is true? Or is it still a lie, if it is in-fact... not the truth?
I don't what I'm saying anymore. To you, to myself, to the world. It doesn't make sense to me anymore. And while at the same time, it all makes sense. And I realize for any unfortunate soul who happens upon reading this, that it won't make any sense.

I know this, because I don't get it either.

My Heart.
It confuses me daily. My brain knows what it wants, but so does my heart. It's unfortunate really that they aren't the same thing.
conflicts.
I know in my heart I did the right thing, but a part of my brain disagrees.
Have you ever had that before? I'm sure you have... it can't just be me right? I hope not.
It's discouraging either way. And nothing good can ever come from a conflict such as that between the brain, and the heart. Which ever one you choose to side with, will end up jumping out of your body, with a knife to go a murder someones feelings.
asshole.

People.
My love-hate relationship with people grows each day. Sometimes it's more along the 'love' side. While more often than not it veers toward the 'hate' side. I'd like to be that girl who could accept the way people act, but I can't.
I can't accept that you won't leave me alone. I can't accept that you don't care about what happened. I can't accept that you pretend things are peachy. I can't accept that fact that you don't believe me. I can't accept the fact that you did what you did to me, no matter how great it may be. I can't accept the fact that you said what you did.
Over all. I can't accept you.
Not anymore.

Other People.
friends to be more specific. I've got great ones. I've got okay ones. And some that just don't bother. I've friends that I've known my whole life, and friends that I've never actually met before. Allow me to further discuss those friends in which I've never met.
Internet randoms. They're great. In-fact one of my best friends is an internet random. Now, I'm not going to get into the exact details of how we met, but let's just say creeping was involved. And such a friendship blossomed. Okay, so maybe he's a few years younger than me... but he knows a lot more about me than most people. Partially because we've realized we're the same person. Twins if you will.
separated at birth.
a whole ocean of separation.

And then, I have other friends. Real friends. Who, though I never ever see anymore. Know me better than anyone. Who I miss terribly when they're gone. But love to be around when we're together. I just miss them a lot.
morethananything.

School
sweetbabyjesus. Why did i ever decide to do what I'm doing? and when did I think it would be enjoyable? I mean, it's school... and since when has school been anything but crazy? But. Regrets.
regretsregrets.
I've decided though, i'm going to stop wasting my time in unnecessary endeavors upon 'graduation'. And take the time I need to save up money, buy a car, build a decent photographic portfolio, and apply to schools away from here. I've thought about one in Ireland, and one in Michigan. Both would offer me a degree in photography(were I to be accepted), and both offer me the opportunity to be around people I enjoy.
And while Ireland is full of irish people. America is closer to home.

And last but not least.

Dreams.
and no, not the 'goals' kind.
the type you have when you're asleep.
I've been having the same dream for days now. Now, normally I don't believe all that 'your dreams are telling you something' hullabaloo... but it's been almost a week straight. Each night, I have the same dream. Nothing is different. The clothing worn is the same, the haircut the same, the street names the same, the people, the same. The way things are said. You guessed it. THE SAME.



So now, when I go to bed, I think about all of those things. And there's much much much more to be said about each, but I've wasted your time long enough.




♥b

"Things will get better" i told myself
"No they won't" replied my reflection.