I just won't talk anymore.

Go on and tell your friends I'm losing touch, 

fill their heads with rumors of impending doom.

So, I bought Day & Age. Which for those of you who don't know already is the new Killers album. 

I popped it into my computer(because I don't have an actual stereo),  and started listening.

At first, I will admit... I wasn't much of a fan. But I listened to it all the way through, and I liked it a little more. 

Then I listened to it all the way through again, liking it a but more. 

And again.

And again.

And again.

I don't think I've listened to much else since Friday night. 

Things seem a little different... Like something's wrong, but I don't know if this is true. Everything could be just peachy, and I'm just not picking up on it. 

I dunno, things are just feeling a bit off. 

Oh great. Just lovely. 

Just fucking peachy keen. 

Sorry? I don't know what to say, but since you clearly don't want to talk to me, I guess there's nothing I can say. All I can do is apologize I guess, for not talking? Or about that one particular subject? 

I guess I have nothing left to say, about anything, about anyone. I'm just gonna stop talking. 

Just stop everything. 

Just stopping.

♥ b. 

Oh, you're the only one left to do such a thing, so you can just jump on that train anytime you want. Just anytime... What's one more right?

Rattlesnakes and Romance

I've something to tell you. 

Well, there's something  I wants to tell just about everyone I know. I wanna tell each and everyone of the people I know, something I really wanna say to them, some are good, some are bad. 

And sometimes, I just don't get to / can't really say it in person

So her'gos

(Each line is for one dif person incase you don't figure that out)

The truth is, I really miss you. 

The truth is, I really really really can't stand you anymore. 

The truth is, you're going to give me whip-lash. Just make up your damn mind. 

The truth is, I'm slightly frightened by how much you know.

The truth is, I'm really glad we're friends, more than you probably realize.

The truth is, when I don't talk to you, my day feels incomplete. 

The truth is, I would really rather if you didn't talk to me.

The truth is, I think I'd like to actually meet you someday.

The truth is, you need to stop thinking like this, and cheer the fuck up. 

So that's what I wanted to say to those people in particular. 

In other news, I got to see Evan on friday, which was great because I hadn't seen him in so long. But, I've been over this before. Anyway, my class was asking my question city about him. 

"Who's that!?", "Is that you're boyfriend?", "Isn't that other one her boyfriend?", "Does he live here?", "You have a boyfriend.". That's Evan, no he's not my boyfriend, neither is he. Yes, he goes to school here. Ugh. Stop asking so many questions. 

So yesterday was goodtimes for the most part. There was a while there when I was just not happy at all, but that's another story... That I'm not sure I really want to get into much. 

Just another white-trash county kiss.

♥b.

I want it. Maybe not the white trash type though. 

diving to deep for coins.

I had full intentions of writing something worth while, but my mind isn't functioning.

I've a new friend. I predict it to become a great friendship actually. Sosa from Video Game Art and Design from across the way. She wandered over one day. And I drove her home today... So we got to talking... And we have a lot in common. A lot. And oh yeah, I did say SHE. 

What's this? Becky being friends with a GIRL!?! Where did you get that preposterous hypothesis? Did Steve tell you that? 

But really, she's a good time. We had a pretty intense chat for just barely meeting one another. We're going to have some hangtimes in the near future. And I'm really excited for it. 

So aside from the new friend, I'm feeling very ill. 

Very, very ill. 

Verily. 

I'm dizzy and I'm hot, and at the same time freezing. I feel like I'm going to vomit. And I don't want to eat. ever again. 

Is there a way to cut food out of my life without it being hazardous? 

I doubt it. 

Damn. 

I feel as if I may faint....That'd be unfortunate.

I really don't have much that I want to write about. So I think I'm going to end it here. I'm going to end it. All of it. 

Just finish it off. 

Well no, maybe not just yet...But I've thought about it.

Ahh! Halifax friday! I get to see EVAN!! I'm so excited! I've not seen him since, OHMYGOSH! August. It seems like centuries. It's been 3 centuries since I've seen him. It makes me sad, but I am really happy that I get to see him. 

And also, Day & Age came out. I'ma buy that on friday. I'm excited for that too. 

♥ b. 

now I found you, flightless bird,  jealous. weeping.

oh, i lost you, american mouth. 

Baby, let's run away...

Because sometimes the pieces fall in the order. They really do, and sometimes I find this hard to believe.

Some pieces fall correctly, and the rest are still a mess. 

It's as if you had everything figured out. Everything was how it was supposed to be, where it was supposed to be. And there's that damn child. He/She just comes running along, and plows right through your god-damn perfect. That one kid. I never liked them. 

Why would one do something like that to my bliss anyhow?

Tip # 42: When hosting a party, have enough non-alcoholic beverages for your guests, water works.

Thanks for that useful piece of information stolen from one Paige Mathie. She is of course completely oblivious to this thievery of course. When leaving the residence of my sister I noticed all these wonderful tips by Paige Mathie's door. 

The number 42 caught my eye. I almost left it there. But, I thought to myself... "She'll never know..." THIEVED. It would have been wrong of me to just leave it there. 

Today is a Twilight Soundtrack Day. The piano, the lyrics, the emotion, the beautiful. It's in all of the songs. A lot of them remind me of him. In that they make me happy, and are beautiful, and I love them. Quite like I love him... 

There's just something about the way they make me feel, like all my troubles go away. Such as when I speak with him. All of my insecurities, my sadness, my troubles, they all seem so insignificant. Like the only only thing that matters are the hands traveling up and down that glorious monotone landscape of the piano.

A scenic relocation is needed. Although, the snow does emit a stupendous glow my eyes are yearning for a change. My heart is longing, pleading for a change. 

What do you do when you're life's a disaster, and you're moving faster, and it's getting harder to breath? What do you say to someone who's right, but you disagree even if it's the truth?

♥ b

You can't decipher reflections from reality, but I've realized that neither can I.

Oh, It's a Perfect Day?

She carried her heart unbuttoned across the lonely stage.

That she did.  Today is definitely a Sarah Slean day. Yes, quite. 

I came to my room today. And sat here. I turned on my computer, sat down, and just stared at the screen. Doing nothing. Just sitting here, appearing offline. Hiding if you will. 

This lasted about an hour. Then I got bored of the ranting going on down stairs, I stood up, and walked to the door, stood there and listened for a bit, really just annoyed with all that was happening. I closed the door, and walked back completely hollow, to my chair. The need for some music is what made me stop being so anti-social. 

Even know as I sit here writing this, I still feel hollow. I've been talking to several people, one reminiscing on some good times, one perusing hilarity on the internet, one who's problems I'd love to solve, and 2 others together, having a ball I presume.  

They're all people whom I enjoy talking to on a regular basis, but right now... I sort of feel like I'm forcing interest. Well, in a couple anyway. 

Look at me, crying in my sleep.

This happens frequently really. We're supposed to be keeping a dream journal. But passing in a journal of dreams that result in a horribly shaken up Becky are not ones I'd like to share with Branch-Rice. So the dream journal I will not keep, yet use my imagination to bewilder her. And hopefully she won't realize I took a trip Bull-Shit land. Hopefully she won't noticed. 

She probably will. 

So on top of all in my head right now making me feel like this I had to go and count balls. What a waste of four and a half fucking hours of my life. 

A complete waste. 

That's enough to be said. 

I am sad. I am hollow. I am fractured, but I am not completely broken.

♥ b. 

If I could be sad for eternity to make everything right for the ones I love, I would totally take that offer. 

You're Ace...

I've yet to get a letter. 

Yes, it's been the two weeks I was advised I would get a letter in two weeks. 

This is absurd. Where's my letter? I need to do more things for the greater good.

There's not much of a better high that knowing you just helped save someone's life. We donated blood. FIFTEEN PINTS. Well no. One. But it felt like 15. It feels good. Just don't handle monkey fluids. They frown upon that. 

Excuse me, I've just got to open this package of masking tape. The boredom is taking over my soul.  Alas, the entire front of my desk has been masking tape'd. What a complete waste of my life. 

I haven't been sleeping well, due to lack of--well you know, stress from school, a bit of extra carry on sad, arm sadness, that one meeting.  So my mind is exhausted, just plain and simply put, exhausted.

Not much to say other than, I just lo'e mah frenz. I love 'em. :) There's some love there. Love. Feel it. Oh wow I was so awkward. I hope I'm not so awkward now. 

We'll be the very best like no one ever was, we'll catch them it's out real test, to train them is our cause. Speaking of trains, we'd better get working on that needle phobia the two of us, or we'll never get a role in Trainspotting 2.

♥ b. 

Oh, yeah... You need internet :) 

Also becoming the Mayor of Typo City was not a title I had hoped for. 

It's Five Minutes To Midnight...

...Actually it's about 9.46 in the AM, and I, and fighting the urge to fall asleep at my desk. On the brightside, today is thursday. Thursdays are so slack, it makes not paying attention that much easier. It's been almost an hour since class was supposed to start, and the teacher isn't here yet.
C'Mon Millie, pick up the slack. We're all on time, so why aren't you. Ah, well... Millie being late is the least of my worries.

A dream journal is to be kept for next weeks project. A dream journal. I have really personal dreams. I don't wanna write about that shit. ! Hah. That's slightly a lie. The only dreams I ever remember are full of murder and devistation. Seriously. Those are the only dreams I have anymore... Well except for the rare few in which I'm blissfully happy. Those dreams I like. But alas, they've be few lately. And even still, there's no way I'm going to write about them and pass them into Branch-Rice. She doesn't need to know that.

Perhaps I'll write about fond memories at my elementary school. Which on one particular recess happens to be bombed by Hitler. When in the real world, this was a dream my sister had. She has crazy fun dreams. With all the stories she's told me about her dreams, I'm sure I could fill a book. I'd call it "What The Hell Are You Subconciously Thinking?" - A novel by B.

I've been thinking alot, I really like drawing. I think it's something I want to do. Perhaps an English major, with a side of Art History and Studio. Maybe the Reverse. Then do the photography on the side. Because what ever it is I choose to do, I'm going to have Photography in there. But the art, and the art history, are really intriguing me. Who knows?

brr. Sitting right beside the window was not one of the better ideas I've had. Definately not. There's no one here, everyone is absent. Well those who matter anyway. No one for Becky to socialize with. Boooooooooooo.

I feel the same, I'm on my way and I say things have changed for me, and that's okay.

♥ b.

Things are shaping up to be pretty. odd.

I was gonna give this a cool title, but this song has no lyrics.

Tis Storming. 

Yes, it was sposed to only be flurries, but no. That would be too simple. 

Go-Damn snow. Actually. I quite love me some snow, it's really a bea-- wait a minute... Why is it so quiet? 

Brb. Tunes.

.

..

...

..

.

..

...

..

.

..

...

..

.

That's better. Yes, It was way to quite.

It's been too quite. You haven't been around, and I've been trying to make less of a deal of it as before. When in all reality, it's still driving me crazy. Although, I do think of you often. Frequently. Ninety-Nine-Point-Nine-Percent of the time really. 

We did figure drawing today. I love it really. I actually really enjoy it. And I'm beginning to question more and more what it is that I actually want to do with my life. I mean there's a lot I want to do with it, but what do I really want to DO with it? D'ya know what I mean?

I've been thinking a lot. I've been writing a lot lately to also. A lot. But, you'll never see any of that:)

God was just like "Believe in me DAMMIT", then he administered the stigmata. Others may have said it went a bit like this "God was like "If the fucking daughters of religious freaks don't even believe in me anymore, everyone's gonna realise I don't exist! Lets stigmatise the bitch!"." Either way you put it, God failed. 

I'd drive a million miles just to be with you. But that wouldn't be practical now would it? Nope. I don't even have a car that can drive on water,

♥ b 

I hate Winnipeg. This is true, even if I've never been. 

say hello to my little friend?

I have nothing to say. I have lots to say. I don't know how to say it. I want to talk. No I've changed my mind.  I don't want to talk about it. 

Will you talk about it? Will he talk about it? Will we all talk about it?

No. 

i told you already.

I don't want to talk about it. 

But, I'm going to try.

I want to come right out and say it, but I can't. No, I just can't. It was hard enough for me telling the 3 people that know. Very hard.

Perhaps you remember that one time, when I was sick, a lot in grade 10? Well, I wasn't sick. But, at the same time... I was. 

Alas, you may not remember that time. 

Well that 'illness' left for a while, but I've been feeling it coming back, slowly, but strongly. It's been creeping up, getting closer and closer as each day passes. 

Closer

closer

Closer...

It's here. I feel it. Just sitting here in the room beside me, bringing me down. 

Handing me out badness.

It may be worse, this could potentially be bad.

♥b.

Ask For Clarity

Clarity.

I don't have it... in much that I do.

I'd like to have it. I frequently ask,

but alas I do not recieve,

Often,

rarely,

never.

I'm just a tiny dot on that horizon line, getting

smaller

smaller

soon to be gone.

limbo isn't enjoyable.

the game, or the emotional state.

i need out

out

out.

that's enough.

♥ b.

just like that, pt 2

Just let her smile come back and shine, just like it used to be.

That phone-call is a dreaded thing. Maybe you've experienced similar. You know the kind, the one that tells you you're world is about to crash? Or, maybe you don't know the kind. In which case, I envy you.

My heart fell into my stomach this morning, and all that acid continues to burn my heat. It won't stop stinging, and it hurts. Some of the worst pain I've ever felt. I don't want this to be another trigger, but I feel it happening already. 

There is a storm in the distance. I can feel it. There's a possibility it's a lot closer than I'd hope for. I can't stop it from coming, and this I know. I just wish, there were a way to prolong the inevitability. But, alas I'm sure there isn't. 

Let her cry. Yes. Please let me. I can understand why it's done. And if not for that one thing. I'd do it. 

I'm glad for the friends I have, the pain has most certainly not gone away. But for a while I was distracted. It neutralized that burn, if only for a little while. I appreciate it and love you all. 

95. That's a reasonable amount of years to live isn't it? I just wish she didn't have to go. Yeah she'd been ready for it, ready almost 30 years I've heard. A great life was lead. Making each and everyone one of the family members enjoy our own lives a little bit more.  It's not going to be the same, but I'm sure we'll all find a way to deal. 

You'll be in my heart for the rest of time. Rest in Peace NannyM. 

♥ b. 

I'm just a sad song, with nothing to say. 

I dun gone and been tagg'd

I've been tagged. 

Not graffitti'd no. Tagged. By  Colin. And Evan.

They're great. I just lo'e them. I really do. 

Here's them rulez

•  Link the bugger who tagged you. (Link the blogger who tagged you (as shown above).)

•  Put up them there RULEZ (In your blog, write up rules and then...)

• Factoid that shit up six times. (Place 6 quirky facts about yourself that no one knows.)

• Graffitti the place!(Tag six other bloggers and link them.)

• Break in and spread the word! (Visit each person's blog and leave them a comment informing them that they have been tagged.)

Factoid One: I am terrified of what other people think of me, even though you wouldn't think I am. It's true. 

Factoid Deux: I think the most beautiful sound in the world in rain falling. I really do

Factoid Tres: I have trouble grasping the concept of love. Yup. 

Factoid Vier: I used to roam the streets in nought but a bed sheet and a bathing suit. Oh, I did it. 

Factoid Cinque: I don't like telling people about how I really feel, because I think it may cramp their style. I really don't. 

Factoid Sechs: I write things. Poems, short stories, lyrics. But nobody sees them but me. I like writing.

So there it is, betchya didn't know any of that about me now did ya? Didn't think so 

So, I've only 5 people, and they've either done it, or already been tagg'd. 

So... Kris & CarRrole ... Do this shit. 

ps.

I'm so unbelievably excited. You don't even know.

take your excitement, and multiply it by 7 tons of excitement.

that's me. 

right now.

plus some said. 

SO

your x-itement * 7 tons - 3 bushels of sad = Me. 

I Want The World To See

There's nothing you can choose, nothing you can lose. 'Cept your free will to be. 

I Think I'll go into a Stabilio listening frenzy. 

It rained yesterday. I actually love rain. Most people when they see rain get the same reaction "Aww! Rain! that sucks". But when I see rain I think "Aww! Rain! :)". I just thought I'd throw that out there to get it out of the way first.

So I've been thinking, and I really do believe I'll be going to X next year. My life has been changing, and my dreams are changing.  Obviously photography is something that I'm going to do for sure, but I've been thinking that I may like to do some more art, or celtic studies. I want to learn more, I want to be able to draw better, I want to be able to see the world in a different light, from all angles, from inside the ground, and under the water. Maybe art history. I think I want something to fall back on in the chance that photojournalism falls through. 

And I most definitely want to get off of this Island. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love the Island. I really do, but there are some aspects in it that I need to escape. My constant state of being surrounded by family isn't helping anything. They aren't helping anything. Just now, my mother came into my room and bitched at me. For no reason. 

I can't handle this anymore. WHERE ARE YOU!?! Ugh.

A strew of hilarious comics just ended. With a not hilarious picture. Not funny in anyway. 

No, I don't want to talk about it. Never again. NEVER.

I feel like my brain is lacking mental capacity, and the reason for this is a mystery. A giant mystery. One that includes, a suspect, clues, a victim, a cool hat and a notebook of course. What mystery would be complete with out a note book? I mean really. 

I think I'll read the twilight series again. I miss those books. I miss the good feeling I had when I though Edward Cullen could be real. But alas, sparkling vampires are only a fantasy. But yeah, the movie comes out in TWO WEEKS (^.^) And I really want to refresh before I see it. I mean, technically I'd only have to read the first one, but why not go ahead and do all four? It seems like a fun thing to do.

I have to draw a hallway, this does not appeal to me, I want to draw something worth my time. A hallway is a pointless assignment. But, It's about midnight. Nope. Past midnight, and I won't be doing that assignment. 

Just come back soon okay? I would appreciate that. 

♥b.

On your front porch is a letter from me, revealing my own hell. 

I've got the sun in my face.

No music? Wut!? There's always music playing. This is weird. brb.

I don't know what I want to listen to. Maybe Smothered in Hugs? Yes. I could do with a hug.

So, after my "I'm in class" bit, I decided to do an actual post, with a bit of meaning. 

I may be going to Eastern Europe. The only thing right now that makes this a maybe, is I don't know if I'm accepted into the program. The International Student Volunteers Program, which is actually just an amazing opportunity.  To go to a different country, to help them with their problems. To help children, to help bears. Just amazing. And I've always been one who wanted to get out and change the world a little by little. And now, I'm just so unbelievably excited that I'm going to be able to partake in such activities. Just a phenomenal experience

Oh, you're breaking my heart you know? Just into millions of little pieces. I want things to just be perfect for you. I wish I could intervene and make them so. But alas, I am simply a bystander being held away by the police and the 'crime scene' tape. It'll happen one day, you just watch. It will. It may not be exactly what you thought, but it'll happen. And you'll be happy. And if you're happy, I'm happy. But honestly, I wish I could just put everything into it's correct place, so that your puzzle is complete. Sadly some pieces were misplaced. 

*sigh*

Subject change:

I've been sitting here for ... Several hours, drawing trees, trying to think of things to say in this.  And All of got is a sad heart for a friend, and a sweet trip to Eastern Europe. 

I had a slight breakdown last night. A combination with how fed up I am with some people/my fam, and how I really don't like this house anymore, and how sometimes I know you're trying... But you just don't get it. 

I never liked your hair. 

I'm not satisfied until I hold you tight, I love you endlessly.

♥ b, 

Sorrow Becomes His Soulmate.

I don't think I'd like to have sorrow as a soul-mate. No. No I wouldn't. It wouldn't be enjoyable I don't think.

So I'm in class. Grade 2 to be exact. This class in which we learn how to use computers, and do grammar I learned when I was about 8 years old. It's really a pointless class, she rambles on about where to put my commas, and what a conjunction is. But, Thanks Millie, I already know what a conjunction is. "Conjunction Junction, What's your function? Hookin' up words and phrases and clauses" From that one commercial. I enjoyed those.

It's bright in here today. The lights are on. The lights are rarely on. I don't know if I like it, or maybe it's just because I'm no accustomed to it. Yes, I think that's it. So, I kinda like it. It's just weird that's all.

I had little amounts of sleep last night. I'm not really sure why... It just wasn't a good sleep.

Chapter 1: Communicating at Work.
I know hot to communicate to. This class bothers me. Although I don't like public speaking. I'm not a shy girl, that's for sure. It's just, I don't like getting up in front of a large crowd of people. I don't like to be judged.

Will you be there when I need you? You haven't been. And I'm not impressed.

I had a small breakdown last night. There's so much going on with me. I'd rather now bother you with the details, but I'll of course be fine. I'm feeling much better today. Lots of happy, less sad. I know of someone who'll be glad to know I'm in a relatively good mood today. Actually, my mood makes me feel like sunshine and rainbows. No, that's too cliche. Butterflies and ice cream? Moonbeams and Candy bars? Well those are all really cliche, but needless to say, I'm having one of the better days I've had in a while. And it's still early in the morning. It could get better :)

The chairs are the same. You're just delusional. Delusional I tell you.

For the record, if you'd like an ineresting music combination, just make a playlist of Stabilo and My Chemical Romance. It's kinda weird, yet at the same time, I really enjoy it. So you know, if you want your mind blown. Check that out.

Wake up you're a drama queen, carry on like you're supposed to be. Break out from the drama scene. I know I have.

CRAFT FAIR THIS WEEKEND ^.^

♥ b.

The Polls are Closing

Over and Over, I fall for you. Over and Over, I try not to.

I wasn't shopping for a doll, to say the least I thought I'd seen them all. Then you took my by surprise, I'm dreaming 'bout those dreamy eyes. 

Brandon Flowers is telling me that everything will be alright. And I believe him. Well, for the most part. 

Recently I've been just letting my music device just play, no changing the song, no looking for a certain song, or a certain band. Just random and go. It's been quite a ride. I forgot how much I loved some of the bands I have on there. Like Stabilo, and MCR. Odd combination? I think so, but I really like each of them, and forgot how much I enjoyed listening to their songs. 

I can't find the words to describe my current mood. I can however say that none of them are good. And that thing deep inside me causing the sad yesterday, is beginning to grow larger. Like a dark storm cloud slowly covering my bright feels of joy. As far as I can tell there's not one particular thing contributing to this cloud, but many a different things being packed together. Like a snowball. My emotions are like a snowball turning into a rain cloud. Causing impending doom upon my well-being. 

Please be good to me, I'm not sure I could handle a fall like that. It would be a long way down. 

So on a different note, I had about an hour of sleep last night. That's always a good thing. I was visited by horrendous dreams. Not ones where your feet get cut off, just bad. Also, When I managed to grab a bit of sleep closer to the time I needed to get up, they were more pleasant.

We were all in that big house. I picture it being blue. A blue house. With a tree, and tire swing perhaps. But we can't live in that house without a dog. I need a dog. A big one, but we've been over this before. 

Tomorrow is wednesday. I like wednesday. Maybe I'll get some paint for this black mind of mine. It need a remodeling. 

♥b.

We Crumble Into Bits...

Here's the thing, I'm getting rather tired of this. Not this as in writing, but this. As in the monotony.

This morning, the skies were a lovely medley of colours. Greens. Blues. Pinks. Purples. Oranges. It was beautiful. And for a brief second I felt happy. But deep inside me, I felt like something was wrong. And at the current moment, I couldn't put my finger on it. As I let it sit to be pondered the rest of the day, I realized I knew what it was. And now at this precise moment, I choose to keep it to myself.

To a point I can understand. And to a point I can see why. But I really wish you wouldn't. It's driving me crazy. Not so much driving me crazy, as pissing me off. And as much I would like to punch you in the face, there are several obstacles holding me back from doing so. And with that, I'll leave it there.

Part of my doesn't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. But a part of me that feels I should. It's horrible.

I want to try new things. Things I've never done before. Things I'd never imagine of doing before. There's just something in the back of my mind, that wants it. It wants it like a--Like a-- Like a--Well I'm lacking the words to finish this. But it wants it bad. 

Sometimes when I freestyle, I lose confidence. 

Say what you want, I will not fall. 

♥b.

I've buried all the laughter, and I'm walking out the door.