just becky

So, after eons of searching I think I've finally figured out just who it is that I am.

I am Becky, not Rebecca, just Becky.
I'm the kind of girl who thoroughly enjoys indie rock, yet at the same time loves classical.
I always try to find the best in everyone, and every situation, and while it doesn't always work... I do it none-the-less.
I always take Nat King Cole's advise, and smile... even though my heart is breaking.
I don't like to bother people with the dramas in my life, but I enjoy helping people work through their own.
I'm the kind of girl who will hold a grudge for too long.
In-fact, I'm the kind of girl who will hold on to anything too long. Feelings, memories, and receipts.
I'm the kind of girl who particularly enjoys love, I'll admit I'm a hopeless romantic.
I'm the type of girl who will do just about anything for her best friends, or even a complete stranger if it was needed.
I'm the kind of girl who may forget where your from upon first meeting you, but soon enough I won't forget much about you.
I remember useless things, but can't remember things that I need to know.
I'm the kind of girl, who may not love herself all the time, but I will love the beauty that the world provides my eyes with.
The type, who doesn't like to eat animals because it's unfair.
The type, who contradicts herself frequently, and enjoys being so sarcastic that people have a hard time figuring out if she's serious or not.
I may cry to much, but I smile enough to balance it out.
I'm not a complex girl, but I may get confused.
I don't particularly like my image, but I will take a compliment when it's given. I love telling people things that they like to hear, but only if it's the truth.
I'm the kind of girl who feels like being lied to is the worst thing to do. I forgive but I never forget.

I'm the kind of girl who, though I may not enjoy it all, appreciates everything.
This recently includes myself.


♥ b.

christmastimes.

It's Christmas time.


Have a merry jolly festive day and such :)

<3 b.

20 things that are easier to say with song

Sometimes, there are things you want to say to people,to everyone, but fear it'll hurt them, or change their opinion of me. This is what I have to say but can't. So, I'll use these songs to help me.

1. I thought I was someone else, someone good.
2. I won't forget you, at least I'll try.
3. I want you, I want you so bad.
4. You're so vain.
5. Don't walk away.
6. You know I love you.
7. Holy cow, I love your eyes.
8. I'm tangled up in you.
9. I'll have faith in all you do.
10. I'll die young, unless I change my ways.
11. I don't love you anymore.
12. I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can't seem to get out of this slump.
13. There's a possibility.
14. Nothing is real.
15. Do you even know how much it hurts, that you gave up on me?
16. It's true.... I mean it.
17. I wanna kiss a girl, I wanna kiss a girl, I wanna kiss a boy.
18. It's getting hard to be someone, but it all works out.
19. I'm the president of your fan club.
20. Tell me why I can't be there where you are.


We all have them. Things that, no matter how much you think you can say, you just can't. I may think I'm brave, but in reality... I'm not.

♥ b.

okay, so maybe I have a bit of talent.

So, after my 'I'm so untalented' moan, I had a chat with one Carole AwEOSME.

Who had this to say 'people are people, life is life - it is what you make it, and you'll still be breathing by the end of the day'

Everything I thought before, was blown right out of my mind, with those words.

She then proceeded to tell me, that I'd still have people who'd love me no matter what.
And she would still love me, even if I killed my boyfriend for no apparent reason.
She would be upset and worried about my mental state, but she'd still love me.


Isn't it great how a single person can put everything into perspective for you when you're feeling low?

I do love this girl :)

♥ b.


more than I bet she realizes.

I'm not that talented.

Really, I'm not.

I'd like to be, I would... but I find the more I put my mind to things... I just suck at them more.

I have friends who are really smart, and friends who can sing. I know people who write music, poetry, books! Friends who can cook, siblings who cake bake. People who can design, draw or take beautiful photos.

While, I used to think I was good at a few of those things, I'm beginning to doubt myself. Right now, I feel inadequate next to everyone else in the world.

I dropped out of my first year of university
I used to write all the time, but I've lost all inspiration.
I can't draw right anymore.
I haven't touched an instrument in so long.
I can't take pictures anymore.

I used to be good at these things(or so I was told)... not anymore.
It seems as if I've lost all talent. I can't do much of anything, and I hate it.

I'm angry, and I'm sad. But at the same time, no matter how I try... I just feel as if nothing I do is good.
Not just good enough, but just not good at all.

♥ b.

Just... not good at al.


Ps. sorry for being a downer

Do you dream that the world will know your name?

So... tell me your name.
[We do though, don't we? All in our own way want to be known. We long to be recognized, to be wanted.]

And do you care, about all the little things?
Or... anything at all?
[The answer should be simple. The little things are the ones that make us who we are. It isn't where we live, who our parents are, our race, our religion. No. It's our favourite colour, it's loving your best friend, it's enjoying that small hello from a stranger on the street.]

I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside.
I wanna feel.
[I do though. I want to feel without touching]

I wanna sunburn just to know that I'm alive.
just to know I'm alive.
[A sunburn may not be the most pleasant, but it would remind me everyday that I most certainly am alive. And if I'm alive, I know it's for a reason. That sunburn, gives me reason]

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know.
if I can't see the sun, then maybe I should go.
[I'd feel sad for anyone who'd want to know. To expect death everyday, would be the only thing that would actually kill you]


Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming of Angels on the moon.
Where, everyone you know... never leaves too soon.
[A place where people never leave too soon would be the best place in the world. And anyone who's never experienced that, is luckier than they imagine]




And do you believe in the day that you were born?
Tell me, do you believe?
[I'm sure great things were achieved]

And do you know, that everyday's the first... of the rest of your life.
[Each day that has gone, doesn't exist anymore]

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know.
if I can't see the sun, then maybe I should go.

Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming of Angels on the moon.
Where, everyone you know... never leaves too soon.


This is to one last day in the shadows, and to know a brothers love.
this is to New York City Angels, and the rivers of our blood.
this is to all of us.


So, don't tell me if I'm dying. Cause I don't wanna know.

You can tell me all your thoughts about the stars that fill polluted skies. And show me where to run to when no one's left to take your side.
[i'll listen]
Don't tell me where the road is, cause I just don't wanna know.
[i'd rather make my own]




[what about you?]

♥b

hold me close, don't ever let me go.

Smile, like you mean it.

Just a perfect day, drank sangria in the park. And then later, when it gets dark. We go home.
Just a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with you.

Oh, such a perfect day.
You just keep me hanging on.


Just a perfect day, problems all left alone, weekenders on our own, it's such fun.

Just a perfect day. You made me forget myself.

I though I was someone else.

Someone good.

Oh, it's such a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with you.





One day, I'd like to have some sangria in the park with you for real,feed animals in the zoo, and a movie since you never watch any, forget all of our problems, be better people.
I guess in a sense... this is my way of telling you how much you mean to me.
Hopefully, without naming names. You'll realize that Lou Reed is telling you who you are.




♥ b.

Face Lift

I was getting tired of the old me.
It's just not who I am anymore or how I see things, and so I made a change.
I'm still wondering how I feel about the new one, and when I have the means to make it better I will, but for now... I suppose it's just a place holder.

It shouldn't have taken this long.

The more I sit here and think about it, the more that I can't forgive myself for allowing the sea of separation pull us away.

I'm going to tell you a story, you may be interested, you may not... But please.. Just listen.

I once had this friend, one might argue that of course, I must have had a lot of friends. And, in a way... the statement is true, but I've not had a friend like this. Nor, do I think I could ever have a friend of the same magnitude ever again.
I think, for you to get the full effect, I'll have to start at the beginning.

I was 14, maybe 15. That was the first time we met, in English I think. Through a mutual friend. But, I guess in retrospect, the when and how is unimportant. What's important is as high school progressed, so did our friendship. Finding ourselves in more and more classes together I began to realize just how wonderful he truly is. He became my other half, the zig to my zag if you will.

I remember the time when we had plans to make power rangers out of paperclips. And that time we took a stroll around the big city with camera's. The time when there was treasure to be sought, and Gross Domestic Product being formed. When I realized we were so much alike. How we'd spend the afternoon listening to crazy music, and making unnecessary websites. Creeping people we'd never even met before. Loving that fellow at the petrocan. I remember press-ons and cars being fixed. A coffee and a donut almost every morning. Drinks till the we hours of the morning, holding hands for fun. A stolen grad ring that I hold on to because it reminds me of everything good.

We created a game in which we would tell each other things no one knew about us, only pulling us closer at friends. And then... Something happened.
I don't even know what it was, or how it came to be. But it did... and things began to disintegrate. We saw less and less of each other. For a long time it was hard, really hard for me to live with less you. Then for a bit it was normal... But I started to realize it was just wrong. And I didn't like it. Not one bit. And then... I fell apart. Completely. And the only person I wanted to be with me was you. So we made plans to hang out the next, have a steamer. But I was followed. And that time I wanted with you to be ... sad... was interrupted.
I'd see you having grand ol times with different people, and I'd get jealous a bit. I suppose this is being selfish of me, for wanted things to go back to the way they were before, because I don't even know if you want things to return. If you don't, then that's okay... I guess what I really wanted you know is that I miss you.

And, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for letting our friendship slip away to a talk-only-every-so-often kind of thing. I'm sorry that after I stopped driving, I allowed myself to drift away. I'm sorry I stole your grad ring.


So there you have it folks. We fell, it was hard, then for a brief moment the impact became lighter, until I started to realize what happened. The truth is, I think I let it slide for so long, because I didn't want to realize it was fading. I lied to myself.

That's all.


I'm sorry, I miss you. And even if we stay in this talk-and-hang-out-every-so-often kind of thing[though I really hope we don't] I'll always refer to you as the person who knows the most about who I am. Possibly a bit more than I know. You'll always be one of the best friends I've ever, and will ever have.

<3 b

And because, failure is an option.
It's just not one anyone wants to choose.


You know that as well as I, so why pretend?

How tall IS the tallest man on earth?

If you happen to know the answer I would appreciate knowing it.

Kthx.

Who would you rather be...

The Beatles, or The Rolling Stones?


And, it's not like I've been particularly busy, or stressed about anything... more or less just lazy.
Lazy like, I started writing this yesterday, but figured it'd be more productive for me to just sit here, and stare at the screen.
And for that reason, I find it difficult to type anything anymore. As I have for over a month.

How about an update?

My life at home had been starting to gain speed as it rolled down the hill of lame, which was gradually turning into a bigger mountain as each day passed. [Yes, I know... Almost everytime I post something on here, I complain about something... but there's no where else for it to be done]
My relationships with most family members were deteriorating, to the point where I would get mad at the drop of a hat. One thing you should know about me is, I never get mad. Well... I do. Often in-fact, but to your face? Not a chance. I hold things in, which is odd for a girl who quite easily speaks her mind, and likes to tell you how things are happening. Don't get me wrong, I've had my fair share of fights, and can dish it out when it's needed, but most of the time... I leave it be.
Until I snapped. Something inside of me kept screaming that I couldn't just let my family walk all over me, without saying a word. I couldn't let them try to control every aspect of my life, while I just put my tail between my legs, and whimpered in agony. I couldn't let them take me for granted, all the while, I just let them.
So I stopped. And began to fight back when I was being yelled at. A thing that, in the whole 20 years I've been alive... I have never, ever, ever in any kind of tone other than civil. Until lately. They were unimpressed. I just didn't care.
The last couple weeks of summer were spent in an underlying tension between us, knowing that I had finally told them how I felt about everything. Which I might add, was turned around on my not respecting them somehow. Whatever... I was done, and only had a few days left till I left. Upon leaving, things were fine and dandy... I said my good-byes, which were more of a see-you later really, and walked out the door.
Now, I find that the more I'm away... the more that I'm missing that craziness of home. And why you might ask? Well, perhaps it's because deep down, I know my family means well, in all they do. Perhaps it's because I feel like I left on a bad note, and want to fix things. Perhaps it's because for so long, it's all knew. Maybe it's all of these, maybe it's none. Who knows? I certainly don't, and can't even begin to try and figure it all out.

Which brings me to my next subject:
Moving Out\School.

One word.
AWESOME

Really, it's unbelievable. I've been gone from home just about a week. And it's fantastic to be where people aren't fighting all the time, or a place where if I do something well, or nice for someone, it's acknowledged and appreciated. Also, my room-mate is one of the coolest people ever. So that's always a bonus too.

Other than that, school's only just begun, and classes are still at a hold, so there isn't much to say about that.
I'm planning on not staying away from here too long, and I could write for ages longer, but I need to hit the hay.


♥b


Where did that expression come from 'Hit the Hay'?

I've been full of a lot of questions lately, and been finding it hard to find some of the answers I seek.

I've just seen a face,

And I can't forget the time or place where we just met.
Had it been another day, I might have looked the other way.

I wonder if it's the same for both parties involved.


There's no sun today, for the first time in a while, there is no sun. Generally, I'm not really opposed to clouds, as if you look closely enough you'll see that the world is pigmented with a slight shade of blue. Blue has always been a favourite of mine. But today, I'd hoped there'd be a bit of sun. I have a canvas sitting alone in the corner, begging me for colour, for some life, for a purpose. Were it to be sunny today, I would have managed to escape the prison I've been locked away in. And while it's been a self-admittance, I've made a promise to myself to not stay captive to these four green walls. But alas, for one more day, I will remain inside, while the inspiration I've been looking for is outside, breathing freedom. The same freedom I wish I could just grasp hold of.
I will turn off, and I will shut down. The come and go's are restless in my head.
Alas, I'll pull out the canvas, I will stare at it, and take that restlessness, and convert it, into an image.
An image only I can appreciate the true meaning behind.

♥ b.

But all the while, I've been delivering idiots and photographs, wishing for happiness and disaster.

I won't share you.

I've called to wish you an un-happy birthday.

I've called to wish you an un-happy birthday.

Because you're evil
and you lie
And, if you should die, I might feel slightly sad.
{ but I won't cry }


The Smiths; Morrisey; Lyrical. Genius.





Moving day: September 5th.
School begins: September 9th.

I'm growing more annoyed with the parental units, and 'friends' and the siblings.

The day I get away, it'll surely bring a ray of sun back.


♥b

I hope.

I wonder...

if this is worth my time anymore.

The way I feel right doesn't exactly fit into the 'sunshine and rainbows' category,
yet I give the impression that's where I am.


I need to stop lying, to myself of course, and finally let them know,
that I DO care, I've always cared.


That is al.


♥b

One, Two, Skip a few...

Ninety-Nine, A HUNDRED!

Was I the only kid who used to say that? I hope not.

So, I've started reading Still Alice, which is a book about a woman who gets Alzheimer's. I knew this before I even started reading the book, and it got me to thinking; What if that happens to me? What if I start to forget things that I don't want to forget? What if I can only remember bad things? So, I grabbed my new journal and compiled a list. Well, two lists. The first of things I never want to forget(thus far). And things I'd like to forget, but don't think I ever will.



Dear Becky,
Don't forget these things:

- Losing your two front teeth in the front yard, and getting a two dollar bill.
- Wearing plaid pants, with polka dot shirts.
- Playing Barbies with the boys in the neighbor hood.
- Dressing up in old figure skating outfits, and walking around the neighborhood.
- Being in an Anne of Green Gables look-a-like contest.
- Having hair that went down to your knees.
- Never, not ONCE, breaking a bone.
- Having knee surgery, then thinking you were paralyzed afterward.
- Loving rollerblades.
- Buying your first Comic.
- Having some of the most amazing friends ANYONE could ask for.
- Having one of those friends turn out to something more.
- The day you came home from school, to see your mom with a dog, and finding out it was yours.
- Being daddy's little girl
- Calling your father 'Daddy' longer than you should have.
- Having Curtis as a best friend for the longest time.
- Hiding imaginary animals in the vents on the side of the school.
- Falling in love.
- Your first kiss.
- The first time you rode a bike without training wheels.
- Deciding to stop being so shy.
- Realizing that music means more to you than you once thought.
- That water balloon fight with the whole of the neighborhood.
- Learning to drive.
- Failing your drivers test the first time.
- Graduating high-school.
- Deciding that girls cause too much drama.
- Laughing so hard you cried.


There are more, many more. But for now... that's all I'm going to put up here.



Dear Becky,
Don't remember these things forever:

- Being unhappy.
- Losing Curtis, and what that did to you.
- Having your heart broken.
- Being compared to your sister in most everything.
- How you felt the day your dog died.
- Feeling alone.
- Losing too many people, in a short time frame.

Those are some of the big things, there are little things I want to not remember like, falling on my face at the beach. But for now... that's all.






...Remember that one time we climbed the trees, so we could reach the rainbow?

♥ b.


We weren't tall enough.

Pieces of What?

Doesn't matter anymore.


What's it called when the moon isn't half, but it's less then a quarter? My calender doesn't tell me anymore, and it's throwing me off a little bit. Is it a crescent? I can't remember, but it sure is pretty tonight.

There was an Asian man, and his baby in the park behind my house today. Incase you haven't realized, men with babies are super cute. ASIAN babies are even cuter. The man was just hilarious, he was skipping through the park, having a good ol' time. I laughed, and continued on my way. To be honest, I wasn't really going anywhere, just walking through the living room, sharing my work day experiences with the family.
Really, I'm never really going anywhere. My social life lacks much of anything. Camping soon, with all the people I love <3.
Possibly Halifax in the net weekend with the lovely Colin and Evan :)


I think I like the Jonas Brothers too much for my own good.

When I look to my right, I see the back of my bedroom door.


There are some photos, 3 of these photos make me smile tremendous amounts, each for different reasons.

1. Old Man On Coney Island Pier- This is why: He's got no shoes. He was fishing. He looked at me just when I snapped the picture.
2. Graffiti'd Pole - This is why: It's got asian characters, underneath it says 'Rain In Japanese'.
3. an un-needed reminder.

I find myself looking up there often.


I think I'll go get lost in a fictitious world where tortoises tell the stories, and coma's are comma's.
Yes, this is a world I could get used to.

<3 b.

Pieces of what, I used to call home.

I mean what can I say to you?

So, I read Tinne's Summer List '09. And that girl, is PHENOMENAL. So, I figured, HEY! Why not make one of my own :D
Here goes;
This summer I'd like to

1. Finally beat Ocarina of Time. (Yes, I know... win a game? But I really wanna)
2. Try a food I've never had before.
3. Take more than one trip off Island. I don't care if they're even that far. I just need to leave for a bit.
4. Save my money. Which leads me to
5. FINALLY, send out those christmas gifts, which I've been adding on to since I never send them.
6. Love like I've never loved before.
7. Take more pictures then I've ever taken before.
8. Buy a film Camera.
9. Have the most amazing time with my friends.
10. Try not to miss people as much as I do.
11. Move on.
12. Try to keep drawing as much as I can, which means I should get a sketchbook, and some pencils.
13. Buy more CD's
14. Write a letter. To anyone, or everyone.
15. Invest in some more sunglasses. My collection has been diminishing. I gave some pairs away.


And so far, that's all I can think of. Who knows, as summer goes on I'm sure there will be more things that I plan to as the summer continues.


<3 b.

Magikarp

Well,

I suppose I should reintroduce myself. It's been a while. But I've been feeling that no matter how much I want to write something here, I just can't get the words to explain how I've been feeling or what's been going on. Probably because there was too much going on in my life for words to even comprehend what's been happening.

School's going to be over in a week, I have 5 days left of classes till summer break. This is great, because I absolutely hate school. But, at the same time it's really going to suck because I've grown accustomed to waking up in the morning, driving the hour needed to get here and seeing the people I see everyday. It's going to be weird not being able to see them all the time.

It's weird because I've been thinking about how much I want summer to be here, but at the same time a summer without some people is going to be awful. Absolutely awful.

Spent the weekend at Rosa's which was AWESOME, like probably one of the best weekends of life. Not kidding.
It was phenomenal. Absolutely breathtaking on so many different levels, and I wouldn't change anything about it.
Also we played this game, and it was really hard to understand at first, but then when i did understand it... I totally pwned.

Good time.


♥b

And...

Surprisingly, things are getting better.



♥b.

Spring is in the air.

It was PLUS TEN today!! PLUS TEN

I'm so excited that spring is finally here, and that the snow is melting!.
I had to clean up the yard today, the whole family. It was like a family activity, most people as a family go out to dinner, or something... but is no.. we clean up the yard. It was funny though. Minus mama Hitler dictating to us how to pick leaves up off the ground. We found like 3 baseballs and a football though, so we played a bit o' ball... well me and the boys, the 'rents are too lame, and Lindy is also lame. So we did that for a bit, and mom got mad because we were trying to have a bit of fun, then of course we were pissed, and didn't do jack.

We live right infront of a park, so the whole time I was eyeing it up. The swings looked so inviting. Just there, so alone, swaying in the small breeze.
I took a hop over the fence dividing our now clean backyard, and the ever loving park and ran to the swings. We have 6 swing.
Of which three were broken :c ... Now as a child, whenever we went to the park, we all had a specific swing that we would go on... the one I usually went on was broken. Of course I was mortified, and had to substitute my beloved swing with that of another.

I jumped on, pulled backward and kicked off! It was so much fun! I have actually not been on a swing in years I'm sure.... I went higher and higher, and higher, this is quite an accomplishment for a girl who is terrified of heights. Eventually I had to get off of the swing though because pumping made my knees ache with the pain of a thousand furies.

Thus I ran back to the yard where Nate' bike was also looking super fun. So I swiped that and hopped on... Now, I'm actually not allowed to ride bikes because of that thing in my knees, some sorta muscular imbalance disease. Lame as fuck... but anywho, I really didn't care much and went for a ride :) only around the yard and up the street a couple times, but it was nice. I spent the whole day outside too, I've not done that in a while...


I should go outside more often.

♥ b.



And Swing. EVERYDAY.



Ps. Might I mention when I jumped off the swings. I fell!

This Just In...

I love seeing people who I've not seen in a long time, I love being able to catch up on their life, and fill them in with mine.

Also I have a new favourite song.
It's called 'The Girl' by City and Colour.
If you've not heard it, you need to invest.

Pretty sure if a guy ever sang me this I would be his forever.
If he was the right guy.






♥b.

o rly

This is a print screen of what I do on thursdays in class, I went to visit G's pet in Pet Society.... and my pet fell asleep on his floor becuase he isn't a good host.


&hearts: b.

haiku.

in my blanket robe
to protect me crazy ghost
murders i'm sure is







That is all.

I Like the peace, in the back-seat...

Well really, I much prefer to be in the front seat. Because chances are, if I'm in the back seat... I'm not driving. Well hopefully, I wouldn't be driving from the back seat... I mean I know I have some skillz, but that would just be ridiculous.


Anyway, I had to write these letters. To people in my life recently, and even a couple from my past. Yeah, Yeah... I get it, it's kinda weird and I'm not gonna get into the details, but it was well needed.
The point of the letters was to let people know what's going on in my life, let them know how I feel about them, and how my life has been with/without them. Now, I don't have to send/give out any of these letters... it was more of something I had to do to sort things out in my head. I started them the other day, and got maybe 4 and a half done. A lot of writing perhaps, but it's hard to tell people somethings. REALLY HARD. Even if they may not ever see that letter. Now, I'm usually the person that if I have something to say, I just say it. 'Fuck the consequences' sort of deal. But, no matter what everything I really want to say to these people is tough as hell for me to write.
The first one I started writing was for Rosa, because I'm so happy that, that girl is in my life, because I've never had many decent girl friends... and I'll tell you something... this one in particular is GRAND.
Then after I finished hers, I began writing one to Curtis...and for those of you who don't know... Curtis was someone very special to me who passed away some years ago.
And after Curtis, came my mom... My poor poor mother, who thinks she knows plenty about my life... I took the opportunity to bitch her out in the letter, while at the same time thanking her for being grand.
After mama came Lindy... and that was a harsh one.



For now, I will continue to chew on the ends of my hood strings, whilst listening to Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)


Also just as a random completely unrelated to the above, I went out for photos today :D yayyyyy!!!!! Pictures of pets was our assignment, so lacking my own pet I had to go to Aunt Sherla's. She has beautiful dogs.



Casey,

AND...


Finnigan


♥b.

A hundred? Srsly.

So I was checking my Devaint for the first time in a long time today, and I noticed a girl I follow, posted a new journal with 100 secrets or fun facts that aren't very well known. So I though... Hey why don't I do this.
And less of 100 secrets and more of 100 things that pop into my head.
And here we do.. I'll try to explain a few as I go.
This is gonna be a long one!

1. Sometimes, when people lose my trust...I don't let them know and just allow myself to drift away from them.
2. For the longest time, before I could go to sleep, I had to have my blanket up over my ears, with my back against the wall, facing the door. The reason? I had a dream that vampires lived in my closet once, and I thought they might come for me. After a while, it just became habit.
3. I now sleep on my stomach, facing the wall, hugging pillows.
4. When I feel uncomfortable sometimes, I try to make things funny. Which brings me to the next,
5. I like when people laugh at my funnies, CONFIDENCE BOOST.
6. Silence. It terrifies me. Not kidding.
7. I've few fears, the list includes, (Silence, obvi), Heights, and being alone.
8. I have a wide variety of my taste in music.
9. There's been many of occasions when I've actually wanted to do drugs. This is weird for me because I'm not a fan, and I've never done... but sometimes.. I really wish I could.
10. I realized that as this list goes on these things are just going to get ridiculous.
11. I hate judgement. What people think of me, is actually really important to me.
12. Then again, after a while.... I actually quit caring.
13. I've stopped being friends with 90 percent of the people I was friends with growing up.
14. I still, at age 20(almost), sleep with a teddy bear.
15. I've had my stuffed dalmatian for 14 years.
16. I quite often wish my life was like a movie, in which everything would work out for me.
17. Often, I think that because I watch too many movies, I expect too much out of life.
18. The world has disappointed me in more than one way. On several occasions.
19. I hate people.
20. I love people. It's complex.
21. My dreams are rarely good ones.
22. I always look into a persons eyes when I talk to them. Even if I know they don't like it.
23. If a person has nice eyes, I tend to ignore what they're saying.
24. I only use the numbers at the top of the keyboard for my password. Everything else is done on a numberpad.
25. Keyboards that don't have a number pad throw me off.
26. My favourite season in Spring, and not just because of my birthday... but because I really like how it smells.
27. I'm very keen on the way things smell. It's usually the first thing I notice when I go places.
28. The most amazing smell in the world is man. And not like icky man, but a clean showered man.
29. Accents make me melt.
MISSING. Oops
32. There was a time when I thought I would never ever fall in love, and I've come to terms with that.
33. On the rare occasion I feel like I could let go.
34. Without the friends that I have right now, I know I wouldn't be here.
35. Sometimes when I hear a song, I'll relate it to a movie I've seen. 'Ohh! This song was in that one movie with Zach Braff, in that one scene.'
36. I memorize things, that need not be remember.
37. My locker combo from grade 7 was 15-5-24.
38. I didn't make that up.
39. When people use 'lol' not in irony, it sets me off a little.
40. I hate, hate, HATE, when people pick at me for talking to people I don't know.
41. I've met some amazing people, of random interwebs sites.
42. Speaking of things I hate. When people rush me. I will purposely go slowed just to piss you off.
43. It doesn't bother me if the TV volume isn't set to an 'even' number or one that ends in 5 or 0.
44. In-fact, I frequently say things, or do things that I know annoy people. Just for kicks.
45. It's easier for me to communicate with males then females.
46. Growing up, I had horrible friends(all girls) that caused me to have super low self esteem.
47. I hide my super low self esteem with humour.
48. I genuinely despise how I look.
49. I love how I have my room decorated.
50. Taking photos makes me happy, I love knowing how to take photos, how to compose good ones, it's my thing.
51. People who think they can take a camera, point and click, and become an INSTA-PHOTOGRAPHER, piss me off.
52. There are a lot of things that make me angry.
53. I've put effort into learning a sport, that I've actually had no interest in previously.
54. I secretly love it now.
55. Tennis. The only sport I can play.
56. I used to play softball. Till I got hit in the face and quit.
57. I'm now afraid of balls.
58. I take anything and everything out of context.
59. 'That's what she said' comes out of my mouth without me thinking now.
60. I get sad about things that I probably shouldn't get sad about.
61. I hold on to the past, and it's not good for me.
62. I see someone once a week. That's all I'm gonna put for this. You decide what it means.
63. I stopped caring.
64. There's a song coming from the speakers of my computer called 'Peeping Tom'. I love Reggae.
65. I know more about things than you probably think I do.
66. When people buy the same things as me... Not a fan.
67. I spend way too much time on the computer, because I don't want to put up with my family.
68. My brother Brandon is at work, I didn't even know he left.
69. I am definitely closer to Nathan, then I am Brandon. Which is kinda bad, but Brandon is always locked in his room, and is full of teenage angst.
70. I just lol'd that I just put a post for number '69'.
71. Currently I'm sitting in the dark, and I can't be bothered to turn on the lights.
72. My father was just told by Doctors that he has Ostio Arthritis, and this terrifies me.
73. I'm one of the biggest 'Daddy's Girls' you'll ever meet.
74. I'm afraid to tell my mother about my plans for the future.
75. My parents raised me well, and I will never, ever regret having them as parents.
76. The sister of Becky used to be her best friend.
77. I cried for hours when my dog died.
78. Sometimes, when I open the porch door, I still sneak in to make sure the dog doesn't get out... From habit.
79. I hold on to things for too long. I find it really hard to let go.
80. I'm not one to hold a grudge over a stupid thing.
81. That being said, it takes a lot for me to forgive someone.
82. For some unknown reason, this is my favourite number.
83. I had to change this number.
84. I hate the sound of dripping taps.
85. I thought I would be doing this for hours, when it really hasn't been that hard to think of things.
86. I value the friendships I have.
87. Driving fast always makes me feel better if I've had a bad day.
88. I'm boycotting The Golden Compass, and nothing you do can make me watch/read it.
89. I believe that anyone who doesn't like Ska is seriously disturbed.
90. I've often wondered if there was something I could do to change the world.
91. I didn't do my homework, because I don't know what it is.
92. On my lowest days, I can only talk to 1 person without getting annoyed with them.
93. I don't eat anything with a face, and I hate when people rub it in that they're eating a dead animal. I get it, okay?
94. The letters I use most on the lappy are; T, E, S, H, and N.
95. The first thing that popped into my mind when looking at those letters was how Sean Connery might say nest ... 'Nesht'.
96. My mom had a small freak attack after I bought bright coloured bras. I laughed.
97. My favourite song in the whole entire world in Moonlight Sonata.
98. Being a Canadian, I stereotypically say 'EH' often.
99. The biggest way to lose my trust, is to lie to me. Lie to me, and we're through.
100. The new MSN allows me a 'Favourites' group. There are FIVE people in that group. All boys.


So that's one hundred. Wow, I'm actually surprised at how easy that was.

You spin my head right round

I want to run away.
I want to run away to a place where I can be who I want to be.
To a place where I can be WITH, who I want to be (Which I'm sure is pretty obvious)

I want to go to a place where I can be the person I want to be on the inside. The one who doesn't cower. The one who just does things. All spur of the moment. I mean, there's obviously going to be things I'm still not going to do. But I'm too cautious I think.
I think? No.
This is most definitely something that I know.

I just had a huge fight with my mother, which I can tell you in itself is most unpleasant. BUT, this particular fight had to happen at one of the most INCONVENIENT times in the whole world. She seriously, GAH! I can't even begin to explain that woman to you.


This just in I'm a twat.


Becky being a twat: FIFTYMILLION
Becky NOT being a twat: Zero.


♥ b.

My Apologies

Is it possible to have a cold, and the flu at the same time?

I think it is. Because I'm pretty sure I do.
I feel like hell.

I had so much to write, so much I wanted to write about, and BAM... forgot it all.
Oops.


♥ b.



ps. it's probably the plague.

I really need to get out..

I did a quiz thing on facebook today, because that's what I do when I'm bored :D
Anyhow... It was like, one of those in which you 'x' of movie you've seen... out of 246, I've seen 204? I think ... Yeah.
Like, seriously... Becky needs to get out of her house.


Aside from that I spent the day at my sister, because I didn't have class this AM/didn't feel like going this afternoon, and forgot to bring my pictures for class this afternoon.
Bitch-Rice may crucify me. I'm not too concerned anyhow :D

OH!


Just for kicks. Ignore the fact that I look like I've not bathed... because I hadn't :D

*sigh*
I'm hella bored right now, hence the blog of random city. I'm thinking about watching Ghost Ship... A scary movie. I love watching 'scary' movies. 'Specially ones with ghosts.



♥ b.


Ps. Colin is a noob at Zelda Games.

It was like I was 10 again

Yesterday I made a snowman. It was one of the best snowmen you'd ever see. It took me like 50 years(10 minutes) to make it, and it was like 6 feet(maybe 3) tall. I felt like a kid again, and it was so much fun. My sister thought it would be fun to give my snowman leprosy with her spray bottle she filled with food colouring and water. After she gave my snowman, this horrid disease, I gave him angry eyebrows because both he and I were PISSED. You can expect pictures of this soon. Then, as I continued to play in the snow my brother TACKLED my snowman right to the ground, smashing him in a million tiny tiny pieces, and at the same time, breaking my heart.

You can expect pictures of this later when I'm on my own computer :D

Looking Through My Red Box Of Mmrs

Actually, I don't have a red box of memories...It's closer to a burgundy colour.

Cleaning my room is like a extravagant journey through time.

Yesterday, when I was home from school, I decided it would be best to organize the place in which I spend most of my time.
The place that keeps monsters away, and joy within.

I put on my hip-waders, and equipped myself with garbage bags, fabreeze, and some good ol' determination and begun.
Now, cleaning the actual part of my room, wasn't that bad... pick up some clothes, move things around. Not too bad.

As soon as I opened my closet, I was crushed by a million pounds of junk that had accumulated through-out the year. My high hopes, and determination... along with the rest of my entire body were drowned in the biggest mess of life. Insert picture of the doom ... HERE:



Needless to say, I gave up on that, but I did find my box of mmrs.
Which is proving to be one of the most amazing trips through a box EVER. I found, my Art exam, in which I got the second highest grade(70/75), a pamphlet for 'Emanuel Bible Camp' ... Yeahhhhhhhhhhh.
Several sheets of foolscap, no doubt thieved from teachers during exams, because that's how rebellious I am.
I've got some sheet music for 'Fur Elise', one of the best piano songs of life.
Also found, were some pictures of my dog, I miss him so:(.
AND, possibly the most hilarious drawings EVER, my 'Aliens'. An old history test, in which I got 61/59 on :D. I really do love History.

TV instructions? Because I need to save those...
*Gasp* BEDTIMEFORBOOTS!!! It's this book, that I bought at the book fair when I was in the first grade... and everynight for YEARS I would read it before I went to bed.
Monopoly rules, just incase I forgot how to play..
A manual for my keyboard...
A poster ripped out of a magazine that has, a half naked Usher on one side, and Napoleon Dynamite on the other... I can assure you, it was ripped out for the Napoleon.
Oh look! another poster, with Jesse McArtney on one side, and the ever loved Orlando Bloom on the other.
Annndd the magazine I ripped said posters out of, Sept 2005!!
Last but not least, the old book of choir music. Such a good time.. I still remember how most of those songs go.

Oh, wow... What a trip.
That was fun, although, I still didn't clean my room.
That's okay!




♥ b.

Almost a week...

It's been almost a whole entire week since I've written something!
That's crazy talk.

Truth is I've been super busy with school, I'm really far behind...and they just keep piling stuff on top of what I have to do.
This is what I have to do for monday:
-Write a 5-6 page paper. (How many pages do I have so far? ONE)
-Create and paint a colour wheel, with 5 tints of all 12 colours.
-Finish painting my Mandela with 5 tints and 5 shades of all 12 colours.
-Make, bake, and paint body parts for Zombie movie trailer.
-Get photos for three different subjects.
-Put together a portfolio
-Photoshop said photos.
-Stop looking like a Zombie
-GETSOMEDAMNSLEEP.

I haven't been sleeping at ALL. It's horrid, I just keep having so much to do, and it's not like the stuff is hard, I mean ... come on... look at that list of stuff... It's just time consuming.

I feel like I've been so anti-social this week, because the truth is I just don't care if I talk to people, with the exception of a chosen few of course. If I could actually shut myself into my room and not leave for a week I think I'd be happy. I'm just sick and tired of so many people and their judgements, their whining, their faces too. People I thought who I'd like to be my friend, are actually annoying the fuck out of me, which is quite unfortunate.
On that same note, my friendship with Sam, is turning out to be phenomenal. I'm actually thrilled that I met her. She's such a good listener, hilarious, an amazing artist, beautiful, and all around lovely. I'm just so thankful I have her as a friend right now. :)



♥ b.

For the first time in a while...

I woke up with a smile. 

I had about 4 hours of sleep. But, for some odd reason, I was fully awake. Got up, opened my computer, changed the music from much loved Joy Division to a random album. It brought up one of my mix cd's from like 1956. Okay, maybe not 1956... but one of the first ones ever, and it was hilarious. I'm so glad I don't listen to music like that anymore. I then got out of bed, and was ready in like 5 minutes. I'm never ready that fast, normally I laze around for 50 years, then finally decided to get dressed, and make myself look presentable... And usually end up being late. 

Oh! and I finally sat down with the 'rents de Becky. I told them how much I hated them treating me like I was 5 when it is quite clear that I'm not. It was good, we sat down and talked about how much they've been pissing me off with the whole keeping me locked away forever sort of deal. Not letting me have my own money. Telling me what I should plan to do with my life. It's just been horrible. Normally my parents aren't like this. I mean they care enough to make me want to save my money, but never going as far as to take it from me. Have always been supportive of the decisions I make with school. I just really don't know what's gotten into them. But I gave them a stern talkin' to, and now all is good. 

So now that my application is full, I just need to put together my portfolio and send that in. Then wait wait wait! :D(fingers crossed). 

♥ b. 

Ps. One more thing, my friend Samantha(Rosa) has proven to me once again that she has amazing skills. As yesterday on a particularly unpleasant day she made me this(this). Totally brightened my day. Check out her blog, she posts some amazing drawings on there(just click her name up there ^^). Recently added a really cool piece of concept art for our Zombie movie project.

PPs. Sorry, I forgot... another thing. Colin is coming home this weekend. Under the circumstances, it sucks. But I sure do miss that boy, and can't wait to give him a hug :)

I'm done now for sure. =]

Chk Chk Chk CHk Chk Chk Chk Chk Chk Chk Chk

Apparently.... 

According to Safari web browser

Chk is spelled incorrectly... however CHk is not. 

This baffles me. 

Hmm.  Ah well. 

So, today I went out for photos. The first time I just went out to take photos. I had to get some for school of course, but I also took some just for me. 

And while I was out on my photo adventure, I walked on the frozen ocean. For the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE.

I live on an Island. I've always lived on said island, and I've never, not once, walked on the frozen ocean. I feel like my life is now complete. Like so complete, that if I were to die tomorrow, I'd be fine with that... Well No. No I wouldn't .... But I'm pretty darn happy. =D

I walked in snow that was like all the way up to my HIP. Which, really isn't that far I spose because I have short legs, but STILL. It was deep snow.

And on my way walking back from the frozen ocean, I met a man. A man with a camera. He too was out for photos. Our paths met. And this is exactly what happened. Our eyes met in a friendly hello. After that we both gazed toward the others camera. He had a Pentax. Decent camera, with a 55mm zoomlense. Not too shabby. 

He informed me I'd missed the para-sailers earlier that day, they'd been 'zig-zaging in around the smelt houses' apparently. It's quite unfortunate I missed it, but I got a few decent photos I think. 

Awh! Titanic is on TV. I do love that movie. And I do love myself some Leonardo DiCaprio. Now, I know most people aren't really fans, but in this particular movie, it makes me love him. Also he's got some pretty nice eyes, lovely green eyes. I do know someone with lovely blue eyes though =) They're very pretty. But yeah, Leo DiCaprio, his eyes are pretty class. 

I think I shall go and watch this now :)

♥ b. 

Wait, What just happened?

Just happened so fast, like a whirlwind of text flying around my head.

I just feel horrible about the whole situation, physically and mentally. 

I wish I could just go back in time, and just erase all the stupid things I said, 

but I know I can't. They've been said, and I can't take them back.

I really am sorry.

♥ b. 

Stop Being Chinese.

Not actually Chinese, because you aren't chinese... 

Just stop being themostannoyingpersonever. 

kthxbai.

I really wish it was easy for me to say "Is there something wrong?". But at the same time, if I do work up the courage to ask such a question, I'm afraid of what the answer might be.  

I'm just afraid really, which is why I'm letting it get to me, instead of confronting the issue. 

I've never been good at confrontation. So, I will continue to let it get to me, and just let it slide. Because what I feel now, is nothing compared to what I'll feel if it all goes to hell. 

I've a friend, from Ireland! Woo. He's a great guy really, one of the better people I've ever met.  

I was feeling particularly low today, and he managed to cheer me up, sending me hilarious youtube links, some funny pictures, and some of the best emoticons ever. And it was great, so for him, I send a thanks. Thanks for being AWESOME.

And Carole, and for Carole, who is also awesome. Because she cheers me up too, simply for being her. 

And for Kelsey, an old friend whom I'd lost touch with, but we've been talking a lot lately. She was my best friend some years back, but then she moved away, and we didn't talk as much, and then barely at all. We've just recently started talking again, and it's like she never left... I'm catching up on her life, and she's catching up on mine.  I missed her! 

That's really all I need to say for today! And also, that you guys are phenomenal, and I just love reading your blogs! Thanks to you guys as well :D

♥ b.

I've been working on a cocktail...

... called 'Grounds for Divorce'. 

I'm beginning to realize more and more that in order to do what I want, to be where I want, to be who I'm going to be, I most definitely need to get away from here. 

And it's not like I don't like it here, as I've specified numerous times, because I quite like PEI...

It's just .. dull, and uninspiring. 

Today in communications we were talking about making resumes for possible jobs, we'd want. At first thought, I was like "Alright, this is going to be easy... No problem". But then I started thinking about it, and I really have no idea what I want to do. I'm not even sure why I'm in school anymore. I mean, I know school is something I want to do, and not just something I feel like I need to do, and so I will do it. 

I thought a lot about doing photojournalism, and I'm still thinking that eventually. That's where I want to end up I think.

I think it would be most interesting, but at the same time, I feel as though I've not seen enough of the world(or any for that matter). I haven't really been past the neighbors front lawn. 

In order for me to photograph, and write about the world, I need to experience it. I need to see it from my own eyes, first hand. Not just through books, or photos, or film. I don't just want to know about the world, I want to experience it. 

I was speaking with Carole on MSN the other day, and we spoke about things that neither of us had really told anyone, and that lead to a conversation about the parents, which in turn somehow lead to us discussing what I wanted. And after some careful thinking I want 3 things, first and foremost; I want my parents to understand that I'm not who they think I am.  Next; .... And last, but certainly not least; I want to be happy, And I believe that if I manage to get the first two, I will be such, and if not completely vast amounts more than I am right now. A sunny day would even cheer me up. Yes, a sunny day would be nice. 

I spy a boy, I spy a girl. I spy the worst place, in the world. 

♥ b

I want you

're music!

Alright, so I'm looking to broaden my musical horizons. And what I though would be a fun way to to do so, would be to get you lovely people to suggest and album, or a couple by different artists that I should look into. 

I like practically anything, you don't even have to think I might like it, just tell me to get it, and I'll see what I can do. 

I'm actually really excited about this, because music is what keeps me going, when all is said and done. Without music, I wouldn't be who I am today, and I know this for a fact. And along with a couple people, it's been the only reason I--I'm not really sure what the word I'm looking for here is-- Am? am here? I dunno, without getting too much into my personal life, I'll just say it's really important. 

So, in order for me to get to know you a bit better, I want you to tell me your favourite album of all time, or even your current favourite album. Both perhaps? Maybe not your favourite, maybe one that reminds you of someone that makes you happy, a best friend, sibling, parent, dog. Could be one that helped you through a tough time. Or even an album that just plain makes you wish the world was as amazing as that album. 

With the album, tell me why though. Don't just give me an album and not tell me why I should look into it:D I mean, I still will ... But like I said, I want to get to know you guys a bit betta :D

♥ b. 

My current favourite albums :

Different Class - Pulp 

The Seldom Seen Kid - Elbow. 

Both recommended by guys I'm very fond of, and so they remind me of each person, and are both equally amazing albums. 

Branch-Rice HATES me.

I fell down the stairs last night. Yep. Well, it was more like this morning.. close to 2 or maybe 3 in the am of course. I needed a beverage so I was sneaking down the stairs, trying to make as little noise as possible.

That was until I slipped and fell down the stairs. 

What happened was, I slipped on a few steps... no big deal, then I tried to get up. Hah. Bad idea, because then I just missed a stair, and tumbled down 4 or 5 stairs. 

I stopped when I hit the wall.

With my face. 

Go ahead, you can laugh. It's a funny story, I laughed as it happened. ^-^

So, Karen started a bedroom tag, and I was so pumped to do it. But my camera zoom is like over 9000, so without even zooming in, it's hella zoomed it. I tried to get a picture of my room, and I got... window. Which, you know would work out fine if we were doing a window tag. But, we aren't. *sigh*.

Anyway, I've really not much to say, I spose I should get back to toiling away at hours of homework that my teacher thinks I can get done in one weekend :D

♥ b. 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

I sang today, 

but it wasn't good. 

I drew a picture today, 

but I didn't finish it. 

I saw a tractor trailer full of tires, 

not really sure why though.

I missed someone today, 

but didn't have the chance to tell them.

I was given some advice today, 

and I didn't take it right away.

I should have gone to my own school today, 

but I went to philosophy with a friend. 

I heard a song on the radio I liked, 

can't remember the name of it though.

I was going to visit someone today, 

but I kept walking.

I laughed today, 

and I felt a bit happier. 

Today, was a lovely day. Skipped school, hit up a philosophy class, perused the streets with a faux british accent(horribly by the way), just had a lovely time. In this philosophy class I learned about ambiguities, and syntactic, and semantic ones, here are some of the examples the teacher gave us, now keep in mind these are actual headlines:

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

Local High School Drop-Outs Cut In Half

Elderly Often Burn Victims. 

Then he said something like "I love philosophy more than my wife"  ... "Now does that mean my wife loves philosophy? Or I love philosophy more than I love my wife? And there's also the concept of love... what is that anyway??"

I laughed, and below is a diagram of how this man draws a cat. (Side note I just spelled cat with a k, and wondered why it was wrong O.o) 

MS PAINT FTW. 

And that's all folks. 

♥ b. 

A sign reads:

'Summit Centre - Oral and Facial Surgery"

B says "You should go in there and get some facial surgery, because I don't really like your face"

Kirs says "You should go in there and get some oral..."

At the same time B says "What's wrong with my teeth??:(" WHILST Kirs says "Pop that cherry."

It was a long day.

A very, very, very long day.

I sat around my room, working on homework , listening to music, cleaning up a little. 

I didn't go to school today, because basically I didn't feel like talking to anyone. (And a different reason, but I don't wanna get into that).

I honestly don't have that much to say, I feel like my mind is a big jumble of empty, if that makes any sense? I'm thinking probably not. 

Be patient with me guys, it may talk a while for me to snap back into my regular writing habits. 

♥ b. 

In The Centre Of The City

I went to visit Colin  this weekend, and it was so much fun.

In other news, I've been relying on music a lot more than I usually do. I've been going through a tough time mentally, and there's a few songs that I keep listening to because for some reason they help with the mental confusion. And I thought, hey why not share that list of songs with mah blogger friends :) Because you guys truly are wonderful. 

The songs that have been played frequently on my iTunes are:

Rainbow Veins - Owl City

Ten Thousand Lines - PlayRadioPlay!

Joe - The Cranberries

Sea Of Love - Cat Power

Messes Of Men - mewithoutYou

Hoppipolla - Sigur Ros

Rain Awhile - Stabilo

Midna's Suite - Z.R.E.O Team

Sound Of Water - Sarah Slean

Stare - Marjorie Fair

Neon Tiger - The Killers

Everything Will Be Alright - The Killers

Atmosphere - Joy Division

Shadowplay - Joy Division

No Lucifer - British Sea Power

Little Bird - The Weepies

Each of these songs, has their own reason as to why the help, and I'm not really going to get into all of them individually because we would be here for days, and this is already a super long blog post as it is. So I think I'm going to end it there, because I really need to get my room cleaned, I just needed to put that down, even though I didn't really write as to why I've been so frazzled in the mind lately... But that's alright.. Perhaps another time.  :)

♥ b.

Also...

Handlebars - Flobots. Good song. Just saying. 

LOL quote.

We were watching Becoming Jane, which incase you didn't know, is about Jane Austen.

Movie starts, Anne Hathaway, playing Jane Austen shows on screen.

Colin "So... Is that Anne Frank?"

Becky  ".............." 

Colin stares .

Becky "Jane Austen."

Colin "Well.. then who's Anne Frank?"

Becky "That JEWISH Girl"

Colin  "Ohhhhhh"

*shakes head*

I'm at COLIN'S

WOOOO.

Much excitement. I'm sooo pumped. 

He's just over there putting away his unmentionables. 

OMG HE'S FINALLY DONE. 

SOO MANY PEOPLE.

kthxbai

♥b

I went fishing today

Well not really, because I don't fish, nor do I ever want to. 

The thought of just sitting there in a boat, waiting and waiting to catch a fish, just doesn't appeal to me. 

Even virtually it's not fun. 

Not fun at all.

So I had some food today! Which was good, although I didn't eat much. Half a muffin, a bowl of Lucky Charms, and some bar-clams. Woo. Not all at the same time of course, because that would be gross. Even thinking of it is making me feel a bit more ill than I already am. 

I haven't been doing much of anything the past couple of days, due to feeling mentally, and physically unwell. 

And by mentally unwell, I don't mean that I'm crazy or anything, I just had some things being tossed around my brain that I didn't want there. 

All is well now. 

Gah! I can no longer fish anymore. This game is just getting boring now. 

Just plain boring. 

And today was followed by general happy, minus the sick. 

♥ b. 

And new facebook friends :)

I Can't Understand this song, But it's beautiful anyhow.

And so he said "Cheer up and dry your damp eyes". 

I tried, I really did. But, I just couldn't, I still can't. I don't much care for cheering up right now. I told myself that next time I was feeling low I would try Tinne's  'list of good things' thing. I'm sitting here, and this is all the I can think of that's good right now:

I'm home alone. Now, I bet you're like, home alone?? Wouldn't that make you more upset? The answer is no, there's just always so many people around, I like it when no one is here. 

I'm really far in Twilight Princess. Which is good, considering I play it all the time. Although, I did get frustrated with it, so I had to turn it off.

>

I bought a box of Lucky Charms today. A big box, they were on sale.  Now I don't know about you, but thre's something about a cereal full of marshmallows that just makes it impossible to be sad whilst eating them.

And that's it. I spose it helped a little bit. But not really. Oh well, I tried it. :)

Also, I've contracted the plague. Possibly not the plague exactly, but an illness yes. You know the one, that's been hovering over the maritimes looking for victims to step out of their houses, all unaware. Yeah... That's the one. 

Ho-lee! I just dropped my computer on my face. How lovely, now it hurts. Urg. Oh! Nevermind, that's been taken care of for me! 

OH!OH OH OH OH Ohhhhhhohohohohoh!!! I just remembered something else to add to that list:

I'm going to Colin's this weekend!!! Eeeeeeee! So much excitement there. I can't even wait actually, I wish it was Friday already. A whole weekend with Colin! Yay!! I do love that kid. 

19'th birthday's FTW :)

Ahh, Sarah Slean and the beauty that is her music. 

♥ b. 

It's alright love, you're in good hands. 

I'm A Mountain, Well... I climbed one.

I'm horrible at cheering people up.

Especially when I'm not too much in a cheery mood myself.  There are two people who occupy a large part of my heart, both obviously differently, but I love them both very much.  Each of them with a different problem, both problems I don't know how to solve. 

Today was a much needed day of caffeine, photos, friends and ice-cream. Although, the amount of ice-cream and caffeine, I could have... and probably should have done without.

I feel like I'm going to be ill. Gah! I don't know if it's because of the like... OH. MY.FUCK.

I accidentally a half a box of ice-cream. Kris accidentally the other half. It was very unwise on both of our parts, but hilarious none-the-less. 

After we decided that the one bite left was too much for us to handle, we pulled over on the side of the road, and tossed the box into the ditch. Well.. tried. The box, hit the tire and like ricocheted onto the road, where it will remain until it decomposes. 

Despite everything, today was a generally hilarious day. 

I climbed a mountain, and almost died 1500 times. See that? Skillz.

I climbed like 5 feet and had a small heart-attack. I'm terribly afraid of heights.

♥ b.

Ps. Again, I say that if I could be sad for eternity, so that those I love could be happy... I'd do it.

P.p.s. I'll never eat ice-cream again. 

He was A BSB....

So, I spent the weekend at my sisters.

Joys. *rolls eyes*

Now, I'm sure I've been over this numerous times, she and I aren't the same anymore. Well... She's the same. I'm not. This became very clear to me when I was telling her of my plans to leave Canada when I was finished of school. Now, she took this as me saying "I hate home". Not true, I love home, I really do. I just need to get away. 

But all this is, is me leaving her. That's all she cares about, is not having me around so she can judge everything I do. 

Drives me INSANE.

I ran into Kristie while I was there though, and invited her to come to Lindy's for a bit, because I needed more 

interaction than just Lindy. So Kristie came, and that was good times, we played trivial pursuit. I remember Kristie had this one question that went somewhere along the lines of 

"Who told the crowd he had been sober for 2 months just before being asked if he wanted a glass of Champagne(Nectar of the Gods) by Jamie FOxx" 

Kristie turns over the card, "I don't even know who this is"

Becky "Hmm... Well just ask us the question"

So then she proceeded with the question, Lindy and I didn't know the answer. So Kristie read the answer

"A.J. MacLean"

My jaw dropped.  I stared at her in complete disbelief. 

All the while I'm wearing my Backstreet Boys shirt. 

"What? Should I know who he is?" She asked.

"Kristie, he's one of the BSB's"

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

I'm appalled at her lack of BSB knowledge. 

In a different note whilst I was being held in the Temple of Doom, I had no internet, AND my phone was dead.

♥ b. 

I'll have to educate Kristie is BSBisms. 

I have an addiction.

Sometimes, there are things that just take over your life. 

Now, I hope I won't let it completely consume me, but the latest Zelda game acquired by me, is beginning to do such. 

Curse you Twilight Princess! CURSE YOU. 

Oh, A drew this for a friend. Just to show you how addicted I am to that game right now. I can't wait for it to be finished. Really. This is getting insane. 

Anyway....

On to more important things, well not really important just stuff that isn't Zelda related.

I'm starting to shut myself off from people, and I haven't been really noticing until today.  And I mean, I'm not too much of a socialite during the day as it is. I was taking a gander through my recent chat logs, with some people, as yes, I quite frequently do, and I noticed that most of my answers and replies are very short, and had very little or no substance behind them.  And I really don't know why, and I know it's not because of the Zelda addiction, this is recent. I really don't know what's going on there, but since I have noticed it... I'm working on making sure I don't continue with it. 

And in other news, while out for lunch yesterday, I mentioned that I had no social life, which due to living an hour away from school/friends results in such. I continued to say that me finding an apartment (should I choose to live on PEI next year) is crucial. G, suggested that he and I get an apartment together next year. I laughed.

Going to Lindy's(the sista's) tomorrow, for the night. A part of me is excited because I'll be in Ch'town, but then... GAH! Lindy. Lindy, Lindy, Lindy, LINDY. She can get uber annoying sometimes. Which is unfortunate. She's really judgmental to, which is why I've stopped telling her about my life. Because she'll be like "JUDGEJUDGEJUDGE" And I don't want that. Nope, nope.

But maybe, I'll stop cutting myself off from people, maybe I won't live in PEI, maybe I'll tell Lindy things. But then again, maybe I won't.

I've never been good with maybe. 

♥ b. 

So far...

So good...

2009 is turning out to be pretty decent so far, I mean there've been a couple bad days, but there always is. 

Got my student loan money yesterday! Wahoo, so I of course bought a new phone, and Twlight Princess. Incase y you didn't know, that's a Zelda game. It's pretty decent so far, but I'm being more and more addicted to it. AHH!

I also bought some winter boots. Because, living in Canada winter boots are an essential item to your wardrobe I think. Anyway, they're fuzzy, and I like them. Fuzzy boots. 

So yeah, school is turning out to be great so far, and I'm really liking my classes this semester. We painted all morning, I love painting. Everyone was complaining about having painting and stuff to do, but I was like PSSH! I love painting! So that's good, we also did photography yesterday :) Yay!!Photography holds a large part of my heart. We had to pick photographers for our final project today, pick a photographer from the list, and do a presentation. So, I asked her about the sign up sheet, because if Ansel Adams was on that list, I was going to have him. Branch-Rice went to her office to get it, then I quickly ran up to the cafeteria to get some sugar for my tea. When I got back down Branch-Rice was back, with the sheet of course. Looked at it. *GASP* Nate stole Ansel. I was not pleased. So I had to go through the list, and try to sell one of the other photographers for him to do, so I could have Ansel. Took me like THE WHOLE LIST, but I did it. I got Ansel :) February 3 = Presentation. 45 minutes to one hour long. I HATE presentations. But, I spose my class only has 10 people in it. Actually Nine. Nine and a Goron. Won't be too bad. :)

So my new phone, it's pretty sweet. I can text INTERNATIONALLY =D. Yesssssss

HAH! Check this out (THIS). 

I laughed. 

So, money savings is going well. Hooray for saving. I'm usually horrible at saving money. I'm too much of an impulse buyer. I buy things I don't even need. For example, if somethings on sale, and it's a decent price... I'll probably buy it. Chances are it would be something like this 

*Becky walks into a store, and peruses through the aisles,

"What's this?" She exclaims! Her eyes have met a sale sign. 

'50% off' *gasp* She gasps, "that's such a good price!! I should buy it"

She puts the item in her shopping cart, and proceeds to the checkout, once the item is paid for she drives home.

When Becky gets home she shows of her new Meat Grinder.* 

Particularly useful for the Vegetarian that I am. 

Back to Zelda I presume :)

♥ b.

P.S. We did figure drawing again today. Another man. He's a professional biker or something. He stood realllllllllllllllllly close to me. Whilst in the nude. It was slightly awkward. 

P.P.S To check out the amazing that is Ansel Adams, go here. (HERE)

 

Things Are Reminding Me Of You

I've been feeling really weird a lot lately, and I'm not sure what the cause of this is. I do know however that there are some things that I would like to say. Some truths I just can't manage to get out, so I figure, AH! My blog! A perfect place to come and write something so personal, that I would never be able to put anywhere else. 

A list of truths contain such:

I'm beginning to actually really dislike my family. I know, I know, this is a horrible thing. And I'll love them no matter what, but I feel like they're just holding me back. Keeping me trapped in this place, unable to ever leave. 

I need to be happy. I haven't been feeling much of anything lately, and all I want is to feel at least a tiny bit of happy. Now, I'm not going to get into the reasons behind this, but I just want to be happy. Scratch that, I need to be happy.

I'm bored. With everything, with my house, with school, with no job, with my artwork, with my photos. Just bored. 

I don't believe in God anymore. I used to with all of my heart, and everything that I was. Too much has happened in my life, which led me to believe I'd be abandoned by 'God'. There was a point where I did believe, I just questioned it a lot. I'm now to the point where I do not believe, and nothing can be done to change that. It's just how it's going to be. Well, until Jesus comes down and talks to me himself. Until then though, nada. 

I really do love PEI. Just there's so much about it that makes me smile, the beaches, the people, the communities, the culture. It's just really a great place. But the thing is, I'm growing tired of it.  I need a change of pace, a change of culture. Just a change really, one that PEI can't provide me with.  So when money is stable, when school is done I will leave. 

And the last one that's been jumping around my brain lately is: I don't know who I am.Colin tells me, I'm Becky Ann, my parents are Cindy and Lloyd, I was born on a beautiful spring day in May in the Prince County Hospital, I have three siblings: one older sister, and two younger twin brothers. All of these things are true, yes. But those are just facts about me...I just...I... I don't know who I am, and it's taken a lot of thinking, and a lot of questioning to realize this. But today, I was just sat here thinking, and I thought to myself "Who are you?" And no answer came about. 

I know I need home, and I need PEI, and I need my friends to help me realize who I am, but I think I need to be away from them for a bit to realize this.

♥ b.