I'll leave when the wind blows

I had a panic attack last night. 

They are really unpleasant things, I couldn't breath and everything felt like the world was going to crash. 

Horrid. 

Not to mention, I don't even know why it happened. I was asleep one minute then the next. HORRENDOUS-NESS. 

But, that's all said and done with, and hopefully won't happen for quite sometime.

OH! Fun times were had a Evan's. I really like my friends. I'm so glad I have 'em. Even when they disappear when I need to talk to them *coughCOLINcough*. But no, srsly guys. You're just amazing

I like you guys a whole lot :)

We don't want any awkward do we. 

♥ b

PIGGYBACKSALLAROUND

Untitled

*sigh*

I don't want things to be like this. 

Something is off inside me.

I'm sorry.

♥ b 

The Kind Of Fun You Only Dream About....

This could be fun guys! Leave me you're name and I'll do this thang :D

COMMENT WITH YOUR NAME, AND:

1. I'll respond with something random about you.

2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of.

3. I'll pick a food substance to throw at you in the school cafeteria.

4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (if possible, if not, I'll say something that only makes sense to me).

5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.

6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.

7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.

8. I'll tell you my favorite thing about you.

9. If you play, you MUST post this on yours. ( You don't HAVE to, but if you want to it could be fun!)

COLIN :)

1. You have a pair of Chucks.

2. Song: Believe Me Natalie - Teh Killers.. I won't get into the details, but basically it makes me happy, and so do you. Movie : WANTED(because you can do all those things, just like me[lulz])

3. Jell-O ... Orange Jell-O

4. 8-) (GUESS WHO?)

5. I can't remember that far, sorry. :\

6. Elephants, not because you're FAT or anything. But because I like Elephants, and I like you. 

7. Why do you worry so much?

8. My favourite thing about you is: how easy you are to talk to, you listen. I love it. And I love YOU Harry. And you're a super-fun-awesome-wicked-cool-party-kickass-time :)

TINNE! :D

1. The pronunciation of your name baffles me :D

2. Waving Flags - British Sea Power. It's a good song, very poetic, very charming. Kinda how I picture you :)

3. Cotton Candy. Of the blue variety. 

4. A beret is not as appealing as one might think. 

5.  This is what went through my mind "WHA!?!? Who's THIS??? *GASP* BELGIUM?????? .... Oh, sweet blog. *followed*"

6. Giraffe. Not because I think you're freakishly tall or anything. But for some reason if you were an animal I'd picture it to be a giraffe. 

7. How do you pronounce your name??

8. Well I don't know much about you just yet, but I really enjoy your blogs. ^.^

♥ kirsj.™!

1. You live in the bird sub-division.

2. Sweet Dreams - Air Supply, and a movie... Well Ghost World of course. 

3. Hot dogs. Not like... a hot dog but a dog, that is hot. 

4.  It's On RECORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. Well it was in Gr. 10 english. When we did those LAME ass projects. And I though "Who's this guy? IDK who he is"

6. Dragons. Yeah they're animals. And you would be one. 

7. Why are your feet so dusty?

8. How much you know about me, and how easy you are to talk to. 

evan! 

1. You have that on unitard which should be burned, but it fun anyhow. 

2. Shake A Fist - Hot Chip. Because of that one time when we were in your van. And it was amazing. 

3. Rosary Beads. Yeah. I think that could provide an interesting food fight. 

4. Pilons in the SIS parking lot. 

5. Honestly, I vaguely remember you in Jr. High, but then It was really in Gr. When ... Well you know that one person followed  you often. And I was like "GRR, he's stealing mah bff". But now you're mah(one of) BFF:)

6. And owl. I give no reason. But you would be an owl. I know it. 

7. Is there a reason you wear different socks?

8. How everything you do is just beautiful. You're a beautiful person, I love it. 

carROLE.

1. You are Acadian.

2.  Kisses and Cake - ICAN'TREMEMBERBYWHO. But it's a very beautiful song. 

3. Croquembouche. Yes. Yes. 

4. A quote that only you have seen "......................"  "A succession of dots? That grammatical bastard!"

5. OMG A NEW GERL. *ditch* 

6. A unicorn. Mhmm. You remind me of unicorns. When I see you I think "Unicorn. Right there."

7. Why are you so great?

8. My favourite thing about you, is how you can take everything I say, and turn it around to make me happy. You listen, to console, you care, you relate. My favourite thing about you, in short(LULZ), is that you exist! 

All The Streetlights Glowing

Happen to be just like moments, passing right in front of me. 

Merry Christmas!

Yay. I really do enjoy Christmas most times, although there was something about this one that set it off for me. 

I did get everything I asked for though which was sweet. 

These are the highlights:

-808's & Heartbreaks (You know, that Kanye West CD)

-World of Warcraft (Yes, I've become nerdy like that)

-LEG WARMERS (YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!)

-Sweat-pants (So I can go to school looking like a dirtbag)

- Pj's (two pairs! I love pj's)

- Jarhead ( I love that movie)

Of course I got quite a few other things, OH! I also got an external hard-drive with 160GB of space. Probably my favourite gift. My computer was getting pretty full, like I had about 5GB of 99.6 or something like that left. Which is ridiculous because I only just got my computer about a year ago! Agh! It's crazy. But, on one hand, I do take a lot of photos. It's what I do. And guess how many photos I transferred over to the external hard-drive? 10577, and no I did not add an extra 7, there was TENTHOUSANDFIVEHUNDREDSEVENTYSEVEN photos on my computer, at 6+ megapixels each, and more recently 12megapixels. HOLYCOW!!!! It just blew my mind actually. So then I decided it would be best to move all my music over onto that also, and there was about 3582 songs. WAH!?! Also blew my mind. So my mind was exploded twice. I now have over 56GB of free space on my computer. Yay

I hope you all had a good day.

♥ b.

Somethings still missing 

Don't Go Wasting Your Emotion

I'm cleaning the house, and blogging at the same time, because I'm a multi-tasker like that :)

I kicked the laundry down the stairs when I accidentally my santa! Oh noes! Ah well I'm sure he'll be fine.

I'm pretty sure my neighbors are going to love me. I'm home alone, thus my music is hella loud, and it's the Mamma Mia soundtrack. Right, Let's get to cleaning shall we?

The little kids in the park are getting quite a show :D Also, I just dropped a knife that almost landed on my feet! :\bw

Wow, this is actually going really fast, considering I'm blogging/making tea/rearranging/talking to joe/dancing. It's brilliant!

Break time? I think so. Well I've dont just about everything my Mama wanted me to do, in an hour, which considering all the things I had to do, is great time. 

Ahh, tea, what a lovely thing. 

Ya'know I spent the whole night thinking instead of sleeping. Which really when you think about it wasn't really a sensible thing but I did it anyway. I thought about many a thing. Mostly because my parents decided to take the time and yell at me for no particular reason last night. So I thought about leaving, and where I would leave to. The where in which I want to go is really no mystery. I just wonder if I could do it alone. I want to say yes, but there's a part of me that doesn't think I can. I just worry about everything, and ... Well it's just nonesense really, and I don't know why I worry about some of the things I do. Alas. it can not be helped. 

Of course I thought of numerous other things that I won't get into just now, but.. I've written the down so they will be posted soon enough. 

Back to cleaning 

♥ b. 

Lay all your love on me.

Gingerbread FTW

So, my family made gingerbread cookies today. We do it every year, a bit of family bonding if you will. And even though we're all pretty old, we still love it. :D

This is the result. 

These are mine. Sparkle face, and that's 'sposed to be me. But, they're in love :D

Nate made this one! His leg broke. Note the surprised face :O

This one is Lindy's. Just look at that face, I couldn't stop laughing!

Then there was one left over, so Nate and I decided to split it in half vertically, each decorate a side then ice him back together. He's pretty sweet I think. (I did the red side)

Then Brandon did this one. I think it looks JUST like him :D

That's the one I made, it's supposed to be me. Only black, because I had no white icing :D I've yet to eat it. Not sure if I want to ... EVER :D

♥ b

Bring back Pangea!

kthx.

And from your lips...

... he drew the Hallelujah.

So, I won a chair. 

It's actually a pretty sweet chair.

It belonged to Todd MacLean. And I'm betting you probably don't know who that is. He's a great guy, plays keys for Smothered In Hugs. And he gave it away, names were put into a basket, and some kid... Who's name was Alex I recall pulled out my name. Then proceeded to tell the whole place my phone number. Thanks some kid named Alex(I think). 

So yeah, the show as a whole was just great, we danced, took some polls, and of course I did get that chair.

All in all friday was a good day. Went to school, met some weird kid, who like smelled me :\. He was kinda funny sometimes though. Then I went to that concert, and won that chair. 

Which brings me into today, was an equally great day. I spent most of the day with my sister, which actually rarely happens. And it's not that I don't want to spend time with her, it's just lately she's been really getting on my nerves. Very invasive, and clingy. I think I'm just getting bored with her, and we need to not spend so much time together. I mean, my sister's always been my best friend, until I started telling her things that I didn't want anyone to know, and she would follow that up by telling my mom. Ever since then my trust in her diminished. So I just stopped telling her things, and didn't hang out with her as much. I've been told this really upset her, and I know this is going to sound kind of mean, but she just needs to get more friends than me. But at the same time, hanging out with her today was really nice. We had a pretty good break in which

♥b   

My Castles Stand

Upon pillars of salt.

Gah! So much tired. I think I've developed a sleeping disorder.
I try to sleep, I really do... I just can't. :(

Colin was over last night, I got a hair cut and he straightened his hair.


BAH. Work to do I spose.

Indie show later! Yayyyy

♥ b

what a creep!

Everything is happenin so fast

BAH.

damn you. con-few-sed-nesss. Damn you.

Woo! I've only had about 3.5 hours of sleep in like 3 days. So I'm running on like, fumes FUMES I tell you. 

But! on the plus side, I have made all of your gifts, and they're late being sent, I know, but I was hella busy with school, and had no money. 

However, The Bank de 'Rents is providing tomorrow, so you should get them before the new year!!! :D

I made each one of them, and I put a lot of work into picking certain things. Oh, and you'll each get a hand-written letter, from me explaining the gifts, although I'm pretty sure they're really easy to pick up on ^.^

Woo! I saw Carole today, I did miss her. 

And I talked to Evan on the phone, indie show friday:) i'm excited. 

Also, chill times with Colin tomorrow

and a haircut, then stickam/skype fest with you lovely people

then christmas.

then new years.

Ahh, the things I look forward to. 

The small things. . .

I had a warm freshly baked apple fritter today. It was great. I've not had one in ages. 

I didn't sleep last night, not by choice, so I woke up feeling ill. 

'Twas that warm freshly baked fritter that made me happy. 

I'm taking a poll.

Mullets or Handlebar mustaches?

Let me know !

I've been Le tagged.

I got tagged by Tinne!!!

Rules: Answer all of the questions with a word that begins with the same letter that either you name, blogger id, or blog's name begins with.

1. What is your name: Becky
2. A 4 Letter word: Boat
3. A Boys Name: Bartholomew
4. A Girls Name: Betsy
5. An Occupation: Bad-Ass (it's a real job ya'know)
6. A Color: Blue 
7. Something you wear: Bottoms 
8. A Beverage: Banana-Smoothie (ooh, thinking)
9. A Food: Bunt Cake
10. Something found in the bathroom: Brush, for the teeth (see how I swerved that one)
11. A place: Belgium (Hmmmmm :D)
12. A Reason for being late: Bombarded by bears (THREE IN ONE!)
13. Something you shout: BAH!

And now, I tagggggggg, Colin, Evan and Zoe!. 

To Do:

Just some things I need to get done... ASAP.

*finish this god-for-saken box.[check]

*make a surrealist drawing containing a shoe, a bell, and some rope.

*work on a part of the secret project.

*figure out what I can get you lovely bloggers :)[semi-check]

*shower[check]

*clean my windows.[check]

*make a cup of tea(or1500)[check][check][check][check][check]

*fill up my music device.[check]

*fix this damn M key. [check]

*make some paper tubes, and get a lamp, proceed with picture drawing. 

*get some photos, perhaps.[check]

*hate the weather[check]

Oh look. A PHOTO :D

Those are just some things I plan on doing today. Hopefully I get them all done by midnight!

♥b. 

My Wish List...

Ohmygosh, no way!!! Yes WAY.

Alright, so Sparklegreen had this brilliant idea of making a wish list, of five smalls things(cool pen, mix cd etc.) and five big things(friendship, peace etc.) Deets are here.


Items that are tinyyyyy:
-Mix CD's always make me happy. Fill it with the music you listen to, I'm always up for a new music experience:)
-Charcoal. I love charcoals, and I'm running low, my drawings utensils are diminishing.
- Anything pretty. I like small little pretty things. Homemade, bought, imaginary. If it's pretty I like it :D
-A bracelet, you know like the ones you make. I love having things on my wrist, bracelets are brilliant.
- A piece of art you made. Be creative. :D It doesn't even have to be good. Just fun!

And the bigger things:
-Clarity
-Happiness
-Forgivness
-A lovely pretty snowfall. Not a storm please.
-Brandon Flowers(Probably the least likely of all of these things XD)



So there you have it folks :D. I can't wait to read the rest of yours.
Oh! And my skype name is: be.cky17 

Yeah, I know this for sure now:)


♥ b.

The things I do...

I frequently watch the same movies over, and over again. Yes, if given the opportunity between, a movie I haven't seen, and one I have... I'd choose the one I have seen. I really don't know why... I guess I like familiarity. 

Sometimes I like to watch the people walking by on my street. My desk is right by the window, and when I sit there, I'll open the blinds, and watch the children play, watch the cars drive by, or people passing through.

I watch Heroes every monday night. I never miss an episode, No matter what I'm doing I'll always make time for it. Any of the other shows I watch, if I can't watch them... I'll catch up later.

I wash my hair twice per shower. I don't know why, and I'm sure it's not really healthy for my hair, but I do it. 

I cut my own bangs. If they're getting too long, or just annoying as fuck. I cut that shit up. Yeah, I do it. 

I swear too much. Way too much. I mean, not as much as fu-freakin' some people. But yeah I do it. And sometimes I find it difficult to not say 'fuck' in front of my mother. Who would actually shoot me in the face. 

I spend too much time in my room. In fact most of my time. But I can't help it, my family annoys the hell out of me. 

When I find a song I like, I'll listen to it fifteen-hundred times. Prime example: Waving Flags British Sea Power. If you've never heard it... I definitely recommend it. 

I procrastinate. Bitch please! But really, I actually do. Right now I should be doing my homework, but instead I'm writing this and watching heroes.

I confuse easily.  About lots of things. I won't get into much detail about it. 

I like to touch. Not inappropriately but, I like holding peoples hands, and I like hugging. :)

I love some people. Family and friends of course.

I like to re-read my conversations. Yeah, I'll go into my chat log, and read through some of the past convo's I've had with some people. 

I have this list...

I work on it periodically. I really do, and a friend wrote a list, and inspired me to write down mine, well at least a few off of my actual list. 

This paper actually exists. I keep it hidden in my room, so no one can find it. 

So here, 

we, 

go...

* Learn to Beat-Box ; I'm sure most people know that I would actually love to learn how to beat-box. Like I am one-hundred-percent serious, beat boxing would make my like so much better. 

* Watch every single James Bond movie back to back ; Now I bet you're thinking "Why the hell would you do that?" My answer, I like James Bond, and it's just something I've always wanted to do. 

* Write something ; Of course I'm writing something now, but I mean like, write something so beautiful, so truthful, so moving that you won't know what hit you. 

*Be Content ; With myself, with my life, with school, with everything. Because as it stands, I'm really only content when it comes to 2 things. 

*Learn how to play the piano ; Well, I can play now. But I want to be better, I want to know how to do more. 

*Jump from something ; A bridge, a waterfall, a plane, a tower. With a bungee cord of course. I'm afraid of heights. 

*Move to England ; Always something I've wanted to do. I've more of a reason to want it now.

*Decide ; Figure out what it is exactly that I want to do with my life. I keep changing my mind. And I need to just decide.

*Come to terms ; With who I am. There's so many aspects of who I am that I'm still uncomfortable with. I need to just accept them.

*Tell the truth ; I don't lie to others. I lie to me. 

*Be Amazed ; I would absolutely love to be truly amazed by someone. I've been pretty amazed as it is, but I think in person would result in better amazement. 

*Learn to not hate anyone ; I generally try to not hate people, but there are 3 people who i can say I genuinely hate. And I need to not. 

*Have the most amazing kiss ; Yeah, I'm sure we all want it. But I want it to stop the earth. 

*Be more open ; I keep things bottled away too much, I should probably open the lid and share. 

Here it is, edition one. 

Do you have a list? If so, I definitely think you should share said list!

♥ b. 

Back From Suffragette City...

... Well actually I've never been there. 

I'm working on a top secret project, that I'm actually really excited to do. 

Only. I'm not sure how it's going to turn out, and I worry about that. But I'm sure all will be fine. :)

Oh! And I totally forgot to say how the Nude Man Drawing went. It wasn't that bad actually. At first it was like "Ahh! THERE'S A NAKED MAN IN FRONT OF ME", then it was just like, "Oh, alright.. there's a naked  in front of me". He was very attractive though. So that's always a bonus. Also, it was his first time modeling so I'm sure he was just as nervous as the rest of us, and generally kept his man parts covered. One thing I didn't like though, was... throughout the duration of the drawing... He kept looking at me :|. Whilst I was staring at his naked bodeh. 

I'm sure I blushed a little. 

Ah well, I actually can't wait till we do it again. With a man that is. I'm very accustomed to the female body anyway, partially because I have one, partially because we've drawn them like 1500 times. So yeah, More man drawings to come. 

So, I just put up my christmas tree:). I love that smell. We went to the woods today and it was great. There was this pond there that I'd never seen before, it was all frozen over, and I really wanted to walk out into the middle of it. I only went a few feet though. As I was afraid I might fall in and get my camera wet. Yes I was more concerned about my camera than me getting hypothermia.  The picture from above is from my quest through the woods, while Nate and Dad hunted for tree branches, and TREE. :)

I've just been informed that Barb has passed away. Barb the secretary who we all as students, as people came to know and love. She married my neighbors father a few months ago, and was recently diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. I'm sad to see her go, yet I do know she lived a great life.

♥b

I wonder if she ever got to Graceland. I know she'd always wanted to go.

It's been a while.

We haven't really talked in a while, 

And I kinda missed that, I kinda missed you. 

I'm happy things are good with you, and I'm glad we can be like this again. 

Perhaps I'll visit you someday. 

Sounds Pretty Harsh

Welcome to the thursday morning edition of Becky's blog.

Yay for Communications/Computer Literacy, without it... Thursday blogs would probably not exist.

*sigh*

But not one of those sighs that's like "Oh I'm sad", it's more like a "Oh, FUCK OFF" kind of sigh.
Usually it's just the one. Today there are two that are being particularly annoying.
And I try to be nice, when they talk to me directly... But, in all reality I reallly reallllllllllllly don't like them. there are very few people who I genuinely hate. These two fall into that small small list.
Yes, you've mentioned numerous times before that you like video games. I'm pretty sure we realize that by now. Thanks for telling us just one more time.
Oh, I seem to have forgotten... Do you like video games? It's a little unclear.

Urg.

So today in grade 2, we're learning how to do research.
Writing Process Phase 1:
Analyze.

I'll analyze the shit out of that. Phase 1 makes it seem like we're going on like, a top secret spy mission. Oh, that would be much more exciting than learning things I've already learned.

Tim might some in to work on the computer. No, no he's not. Goodbye Tim, I hardly knew ye.


Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Sorry, I just fell asleep on the 'l' key because this class is so boring. Next semester we get to write a research paper. Yay for brian stimulation.

Well, I think I may play jetman. I need something to pass the time. :)

♥ b.

My Global Position Systems.

Lights!

Camera! 

Action! 

My phone's been disconnected. I some how managed a hella huge phone bill, that they're still unable to explain. And until I pay off their mistake, I've no phone. Peachy.

So that's that. 

I got some mail today, I quite love getting mail. Even if it's junk mail. Today however, I received a letter from Canada Pension welcoming me to Canada Pension. Last year I put in 75.02$ into it. That's interesting. I also got a letter from the Canadian Blood Services. I donated blood a few weeks back, the letter was to say thanks. Also I got a card that informs everyone who roots through my wallet that I've got A+ blood. So if I ever need any, and you have the same... Well just lend me some. Kthx.

You're my honey-bunch sugarplum pumpy-umpy-umpkin, you're my sweetie pie. 

Oh, my youth. Where art thou? Well clearly in the past. I kind of want it back. I want to go back to how things were, but at the same time not. Because had I gone back in time, I would have shit friends. I mean, I quite like the friends I have now, and really don't know what I'd do without them most of the time. Even if they choose not to talk to me. 

I guess if I were to go back in time... I'd go to see this one person again. Say good-bye. Stuff like that.  Maybe take all the nerve I now have and let some people know how I really feel about them. Ultimately resulting in a probably, slightly, a smidgen happier Becky. 

Figure drawing today. Normally I don't mind figure drawing. But today, we had Sarah. This woman's got like no boobs. At all. AND, she doesn't shave. No where. Underarms, legs, anywhere. I mean, one would think that if you are going to be drawn, in a room full of people between the ages of 19-25, you'd at least tidy up a bit. All natural just isn't the way to go. It just isn't. 

And! And! And! Friday. For the first time eva, I'll be drawing a nude model. A male one. A nude male, just standing right in front of me. His man parts all exposed. In one part I'm kinda excited to be drawing a man, but at the same time, I've never done a man before. (lol). 

So yeah, that could be eventful. None of the guys in my class are too thrilled about it. Which is kinda funny. They also weren't huge fans of Hairy McHairington. 

Let me tell something to joo, well ask joo I spose. What are you thoughts on being able to go back into time, to change something, tell someone something? How about me drawing the male bodeh? Would you do it? Have you done it?

♥ b. 

And they'll meet one day, far away and say "I wish I was something more"

 

Actually...

Just don't.

Not right now. 

Just. 

Don't

I just won't talk anymore.

Go on and tell your friends I'm losing touch, 

fill their heads with rumors of impending doom.

So, I bought Day & Age. Which for those of you who don't know already is the new Killers album. 

I popped it into my computer(because I don't have an actual stereo),  and started listening.

At first, I will admit... I wasn't much of a fan. But I listened to it all the way through, and I liked it a little more. 

Then I listened to it all the way through again, liking it a but more. 

And again.

And again.

And again.

I don't think I've listened to much else since Friday night. 

Things seem a little different... Like something's wrong, but I don't know if this is true. Everything could be just peachy, and I'm just not picking up on it. 

I dunno, things are just feeling a bit off. 

Oh great. Just lovely. 

Just fucking peachy keen. 

Sorry? I don't know what to say, but since you clearly don't want to talk to me, I guess there's nothing I can say. All I can do is apologize I guess, for not talking? Or about that one particular subject? 

I guess I have nothing left to say, about anything, about anyone. I'm just gonna stop talking. 

Just stop everything. 

Just stopping.

♥ b. 

Oh, you're the only one left to do such a thing, so you can just jump on that train anytime you want. Just anytime... What's one more right?

Rattlesnakes and Romance

I've something to tell you. 

Well, there's something  I wants to tell just about everyone I know. I wanna tell each and everyone of the people I know, something I really wanna say to them, some are good, some are bad. 

And sometimes, I just don't get to / can't really say it in person

So her'gos

(Each line is for one dif person incase you don't figure that out)

The truth is, I really miss you. 

The truth is, I really really really can't stand you anymore. 

The truth is, you're going to give me whip-lash. Just make up your damn mind. 

The truth is, I'm slightly frightened by how much you know.

The truth is, I'm really glad we're friends, more than you probably realize.

The truth is, when I don't talk to you, my day feels incomplete. 

The truth is, I would really rather if you didn't talk to me.

The truth is, I think I'd like to actually meet you someday.

The truth is, you need to stop thinking like this, and cheer the fuck up. 

So that's what I wanted to say to those people in particular. 

In other news, I got to see Evan on friday, which was great because I hadn't seen him in so long. But, I've been over this before. Anyway, my class was asking my question city about him. 

"Who's that!?", "Is that you're boyfriend?", "Isn't that other one her boyfriend?", "Does he live here?", "You have a boyfriend.". That's Evan, no he's not my boyfriend, neither is he. Yes, he goes to school here. Ugh. Stop asking so many questions. 

So yesterday was goodtimes for the most part. There was a while there when I was just not happy at all, but that's another story... That I'm not sure I really want to get into much. 

Just another white-trash county kiss.

♥b.

I want it. Maybe not the white trash type though. 

diving to deep for coins.

I had full intentions of writing something worth while, but my mind isn't functioning.

I've a new friend. I predict it to become a great friendship actually. Sosa from Video Game Art and Design from across the way. She wandered over one day. And I drove her home today... So we got to talking... And we have a lot in common. A lot. And oh yeah, I did say SHE. 

What's this? Becky being friends with a GIRL!?! Where did you get that preposterous hypothesis? Did Steve tell you that? 

But really, she's a good time. We had a pretty intense chat for just barely meeting one another. We're going to have some hangtimes in the near future. And I'm really excited for it. 

So aside from the new friend, I'm feeling very ill. 

Very, very ill. 

Verily. 

I'm dizzy and I'm hot, and at the same time freezing. I feel like I'm going to vomit. And I don't want to eat. ever again. 

Is there a way to cut food out of my life without it being hazardous? 

I doubt it. 

Damn. 

I feel as if I may faint....That'd be unfortunate.

I really don't have much that I want to write about. So I think I'm going to end it here. I'm going to end it. All of it. 

Just finish it off. 

Well no, maybe not just yet...But I've thought about it.

Ahh! Halifax friday! I get to see EVAN!! I'm so excited! I've not seen him since, OHMYGOSH! August. It seems like centuries. It's been 3 centuries since I've seen him. It makes me sad, but I am really happy that I get to see him. 

And also, Day & Age came out. I'ma buy that on friday. I'm excited for that too. 

♥ b. 

now I found you, flightless bird,  jealous. weeping.

oh, i lost you, american mouth. 

Baby, let's run away...

Because sometimes the pieces fall in the order. They really do, and sometimes I find this hard to believe.

Some pieces fall correctly, and the rest are still a mess. 

It's as if you had everything figured out. Everything was how it was supposed to be, where it was supposed to be. And there's that damn child. He/She just comes running along, and plows right through your god-damn perfect. That one kid. I never liked them. 

Why would one do something like that to my bliss anyhow?

Tip # 42: When hosting a party, have enough non-alcoholic beverages for your guests, water works.

Thanks for that useful piece of information stolen from one Paige Mathie. She is of course completely oblivious to this thievery of course. When leaving the residence of my sister I noticed all these wonderful tips by Paige Mathie's door. 

The number 42 caught my eye. I almost left it there. But, I thought to myself... "She'll never know..." THIEVED. It would have been wrong of me to just leave it there. 

Today is a Twilight Soundtrack Day. The piano, the lyrics, the emotion, the beautiful. It's in all of the songs. A lot of them remind me of him. In that they make me happy, and are beautiful, and I love them. Quite like I love him... 

There's just something about the way they make me feel, like all my troubles go away. Such as when I speak with him. All of my insecurities, my sadness, my troubles, they all seem so insignificant. Like the only only thing that matters are the hands traveling up and down that glorious monotone landscape of the piano.

A scenic relocation is needed. Although, the snow does emit a stupendous glow my eyes are yearning for a change. My heart is longing, pleading for a change. 

What do you do when you're life's a disaster, and you're moving faster, and it's getting harder to breath? What do you say to someone who's right, but you disagree even if it's the truth?

♥ b

You can't decipher reflections from reality, but I've realized that neither can I.

Oh, It's a Perfect Day?

She carried her heart unbuttoned across the lonely stage.

That she did.  Today is definitely a Sarah Slean day. Yes, quite. 

I came to my room today. And sat here. I turned on my computer, sat down, and just stared at the screen. Doing nothing. Just sitting here, appearing offline. Hiding if you will. 

This lasted about an hour. Then I got bored of the ranting going on down stairs, I stood up, and walked to the door, stood there and listened for a bit, really just annoyed with all that was happening. I closed the door, and walked back completely hollow, to my chair. The need for some music is what made me stop being so anti-social. 

Even know as I sit here writing this, I still feel hollow. I've been talking to several people, one reminiscing on some good times, one perusing hilarity on the internet, one who's problems I'd love to solve, and 2 others together, having a ball I presume.  

They're all people whom I enjoy talking to on a regular basis, but right now... I sort of feel like I'm forcing interest. Well, in a couple anyway. 

Look at me, crying in my sleep.

This happens frequently really. We're supposed to be keeping a dream journal. But passing in a journal of dreams that result in a horribly shaken up Becky are not ones I'd like to share with Branch-Rice. So the dream journal I will not keep, yet use my imagination to bewilder her. And hopefully she won't realize I took a trip Bull-Shit land. Hopefully she won't noticed. 

She probably will. 

So on top of all in my head right now making me feel like this I had to go and count balls. What a waste of four and a half fucking hours of my life. 

A complete waste. 

That's enough to be said. 

I am sad. I am hollow. I am fractured, but I am not completely broken.

♥ b. 

If I could be sad for eternity to make everything right for the ones I love, I would totally take that offer. 

You're Ace...

I've yet to get a letter. 

Yes, it's been the two weeks I was advised I would get a letter in two weeks. 

This is absurd. Where's my letter? I need to do more things for the greater good.

There's not much of a better high that knowing you just helped save someone's life. We donated blood. FIFTEEN PINTS. Well no. One. But it felt like 15. It feels good. Just don't handle monkey fluids. They frown upon that. 

Excuse me, I've just got to open this package of masking tape. The boredom is taking over my soul.  Alas, the entire front of my desk has been masking tape'd. What a complete waste of my life. 

I haven't been sleeping well, due to lack of--well you know, stress from school, a bit of extra carry on sad, arm sadness, that one meeting.  So my mind is exhausted, just plain and simply put, exhausted.

Not much to say other than, I just lo'e mah frenz. I love 'em. :) There's some love there. Love. Feel it. Oh wow I was so awkward. I hope I'm not so awkward now. 

We'll be the very best like no one ever was, we'll catch them it's out real test, to train them is our cause. Speaking of trains, we'd better get working on that needle phobia the two of us, or we'll never get a role in Trainspotting 2.

♥ b. 

Oh, yeah... You need internet :) 

Also becoming the Mayor of Typo City was not a title I had hoped for. 

It's Five Minutes To Midnight...

...Actually it's about 9.46 in the AM, and I, and fighting the urge to fall asleep at my desk. On the brightside, today is thursday. Thursdays are so slack, it makes not paying attention that much easier. It's been almost an hour since class was supposed to start, and the teacher isn't here yet.
C'Mon Millie, pick up the slack. We're all on time, so why aren't you. Ah, well... Millie being late is the least of my worries.

A dream journal is to be kept for next weeks project. A dream journal. I have really personal dreams. I don't wanna write about that shit. ! Hah. That's slightly a lie. The only dreams I ever remember are full of murder and devistation. Seriously. Those are the only dreams I have anymore... Well except for the rare few in which I'm blissfully happy. Those dreams I like. But alas, they've be few lately. And even still, there's no way I'm going to write about them and pass them into Branch-Rice. She doesn't need to know that.

Perhaps I'll write about fond memories at my elementary school. Which on one particular recess happens to be bombed by Hitler. When in the real world, this was a dream my sister had. She has crazy fun dreams. With all the stories she's told me about her dreams, I'm sure I could fill a book. I'd call it "What The Hell Are You Subconciously Thinking?" - A novel by B.

I've been thinking alot, I really like drawing. I think it's something I want to do. Perhaps an English major, with a side of Art History and Studio. Maybe the Reverse. Then do the photography on the side. Because what ever it is I choose to do, I'm going to have Photography in there. But the art, and the art history, are really intriguing me. Who knows?

brr. Sitting right beside the window was not one of the better ideas I've had. Definately not. There's no one here, everyone is absent. Well those who matter anyway. No one for Becky to socialize with. Boooooooooooo.

I feel the same, I'm on my way and I say things have changed for me, and that's okay.

♥ b.

Things are shaping up to be pretty. odd.

I was gonna give this a cool title, but this song has no lyrics.

Tis Storming. 

Yes, it was sposed to only be flurries, but no. That would be too simple. 

Go-Damn snow. Actually. I quite love me some snow, it's really a bea-- wait a minute... Why is it so quiet? 

Brb. Tunes.

.

..

...

..

.

..

...

..

.

..

...

..

.

That's better. Yes, It was way to quite.

It's been too quite. You haven't been around, and I've been trying to make less of a deal of it as before. When in all reality, it's still driving me crazy. Although, I do think of you often. Frequently. Ninety-Nine-Point-Nine-Percent of the time really. 

We did figure drawing today. I love it really. I actually really enjoy it. And I'm beginning to question more and more what it is that I actually want to do with my life. I mean there's a lot I want to do with it, but what do I really want to DO with it? D'ya know what I mean?

I've been thinking a lot. I've been writing a lot lately to also. A lot. But, you'll never see any of that:)

God was just like "Believe in me DAMMIT", then he administered the stigmata. Others may have said it went a bit like this "God was like "If the fucking daughters of religious freaks don't even believe in me anymore, everyone's gonna realise I don't exist! Lets stigmatise the bitch!"." Either way you put it, God failed. 

I'd drive a million miles just to be with you. But that wouldn't be practical now would it? Nope. I don't even have a car that can drive on water,

♥ b 

I hate Winnipeg. This is true, even if I've never been. 

say hello to my little friend?

I have nothing to say. I have lots to say. I don't know how to say it. I want to talk. No I've changed my mind.  I don't want to talk about it. 

Will you talk about it? Will he talk about it? Will we all talk about it?

No. 

i told you already.

I don't want to talk about it. 

But, I'm going to try.

I want to come right out and say it, but I can't. No, I just can't. It was hard enough for me telling the 3 people that know. Very hard.

Perhaps you remember that one time, when I was sick, a lot in grade 10? Well, I wasn't sick. But, at the same time... I was. 

Alas, you may not remember that time. 

Well that 'illness' left for a while, but I've been feeling it coming back, slowly, but strongly. It's been creeping up, getting closer and closer as each day passes. 

Closer

closer

Closer...

It's here. I feel it. Just sitting here in the room beside me, bringing me down. 

Handing me out badness.

It may be worse, this could potentially be bad.

♥b.

Ask For Clarity

Clarity.

I don't have it... in much that I do.

I'd like to have it. I frequently ask,

but alas I do not recieve,

Often,

rarely,

never.

I'm just a tiny dot on that horizon line, getting

smaller

smaller

soon to be gone.

limbo isn't enjoyable.

the game, or the emotional state.

i need out

out

out.

that's enough.

♥ b.

just like that, pt 2

Just let her smile come back and shine, just like it used to be.

That phone-call is a dreaded thing. Maybe you've experienced similar. You know the kind, the one that tells you you're world is about to crash? Or, maybe you don't know the kind. In which case, I envy you.

My heart fell into my stomach this morning, and all that acid continues to burn my heat. It won't stop stinging, and it hurts. Some of the worst pain I've ever felt. I don't want this to be another trigger, but I feel it happening already. 

There is a storm in the distance. I can feel it. There's a possibility it's a lot closer than I'd hope for. I can't stop it from coming, and this I know. I just wish, there were a way to prolong the inevitability. But, alas I'm sure there isn't. 

Let her cry. Yes. Please let me. I can understand why it's done. And if not for that one thing. I'd do it. 

I'm glad for the friends I have, the pain has most certainly not gone away. But for a while I was distracted. It neutralized that burn, if only for a little while. I appreciate it and love you all. 

95. That's a reasonable amount of years to live isn't it? I just wish she didn't have to go. Yeah she'd been ready for it, ready almost 30 years I've heard. A great life was lead. Making each and everyone one of the family members enjoy our own lives a little bit more.  It's not going to be the same, but I'm sure we'll all find a way to deal. 

You'll be in my heart for the rest of time. Rest in Peace NannyM. 

♥ b. 

I'm just a sad song, with nothing to say. 

I dun gone and been tagg'd

I've been tagged. 

Not graffitti'd no. Tagged. By  Colin. And Evan.

They're great. I just lo'e them. I really do. 

Here's them rulez

•  Link the bugger who tagged you. (Link the blogger who tagged you (as shown above).)

•  Put up them there RULEZ (In your blog, write up rules and then...)

• Factoid that shit up six times. (Place 6 quirky facts about yourself that no one knows.)

• Graffitti the place!(Tag six other bloggers and link them.)

• Break in and spread the word! (Visit each person's blog and leave them a comment informing them that they have been tagged.)

Factoid One: I am terrified of what other people think of me, even though you wouldn't think I am. It's true. 

Factoid Deux: I think the most beautiful sound in the world in rain falling. I really do

Factoid Tres: I have trouble grasping the concept of love. Yup. 

Factoid Vier: I used to roam the streets in nought but a bed sheet and a bathing suit. Oh, I did it. 

Factoid Cinque: I don't like telling people about how I really feel, because I think it may cramp their style. I really don't. 

Factoid Sechs: I write things. Poems, short stories, lyrics. But nobody sees them but me. I like writing.

So there it is, betchya didn't know any of that about me now did ya? Didn't think so 

So, I've only 5 people, and they've either done it, or already been tagg'd. 

So... Kris & CarRrole ... Do this shit. 

ps.

I'm so unbelievably excited. You don't even know.

take your excitement, and multiply it by 7 tons of excitement.

that's me. 

right now.

plus some said. 

SO

your x-itement * 7 tons - 3 bushels of sad = Me. 

I Want The World To See

There's nothing you can choose, nothing you can lose. 'Cept your free will to be. 

I Think I'll go into a Stabilio listening frenzy. 

It rained yesterday. I actually love rain. Most people when they see rain get the same reaction "Aww! Rain! that sucks". But when I see rain I think "Aww! Rain! :)". I just thought I'd throw that out there to get it out of the way first.

So I've been thinking, and I really do believe I'll be going to X next year. My life has been changing, and my dreams are changing.  Obviously photography is something that I'm going to do for sure, but I've been thinking that I may like to do some more art, or celtic studies. I want to learn more, I want to be able to draw better, I want to be able to see the world in a different light, from all angles, from inside the ground, and under the water. Maybe art history. I think I want something to fall back on in the chance that photojournalism falls through. 

And I most definitely want to get off of this Island. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love the Island. I really do, but there are some aspects in it that I need to escape. My constant state of being surrounded by family isn't helping anything. They aren't helping anything. Just now, my mother came into my room and bitched at me. For no reason. 

I can't handle this anymore. WHERE ARE YOU!?! Ugh.

A strew of hilarious comics just ended. With a not hilarious picture. Not funny in anyway. 

No, I don't want to talk about it. Never again. NEVER.

I feel like my brain is lacking mental capacity, and the reason for this is a mystery. A giant mystery. One that includes, a suspect, clues, a victim, a cool hat and a notebook of course. What mystery would be complete with out a note book? I mean really. 

I think I'll read the twilight series again. I miss those books. I miss the good feeling I had when I though Edward Cullen could be real. But alas, sparkling vampires are only a fantasy. But yeah, the movie comes out in TWO WEEKS (^.^) And I really want to refresh before I see it. I mean, technically I'd only have to read the first one, but why not go ahead and do all four? It seems like a fun thing to do.

I have to draw a hallway, this does not appeal to me, I want to draw something worth my time. A hallway is a pointless assignment. But, It's about midnight. Nope. Past midnight, and I won't be doing that assignment. 

Just come back soon okay? I would appreciate that. 

♥b.

On your front porch is a letter from me, revealing my own hell. 

I've got the sun in my face.

No music? Wut!? There's always music playing. This is weird. brb.

I don't know what I want to listen to. Maybe Smothered in Hugs? Yes. I could do with a hug.

So, after my "I'm in class" bit, I decided to do an actual post, with a bit of meaning. 

I may be going to Eastern Europe. The only thing right now that makes this a maybe, is I don't know if I'm accepted into the program. The International Student Volunteers Program, which is actually just an amazing opportunity.  To go to a different country, to help them with their problems. To help children, to help bears. Just amazing. And I've always been one who wanted to get out and change the world a little by little. And now, I'm just so unbelievably excited that I'm going to be able to partake in such activities. Just a phenomenal experience

Oh, you're breaking my heart you know? Just into millions of little pieces. I want things to just be perfect for you. I wish I could intervene and make them so. But alas, I am simply a bystander being held away by the police and the 'crime scene' tape. It'll happen one day, you just watch. It will. It may not be exactly what you thought, but it'll happen. And you'll be happy. And if you're happy, I'm happy. But honestly, I wish I could just put everything into it's correct place, so that your puzzle is complete. Sadly some pieces were misplaced. 

*sigh*

Subject change:

I've been sitting here for ... Several hours, drawing trees, trying to think of things to say in this.  And All of got is a sad heart for a friend, and a sweet trip to Eastern Europe. 

I had a slight breakdown last night. A combination with how fed up I am with some people/my fam, and how I really don't like this house anymore, and how sometimes I know you're trying... But you just don't get it. 

I never liked your hair. 

I'm not satisfied until I hold you tight, I love you endlessly.

♥ b, 

Sorrow Becomes His Soulmate.

I don't think I'd like to have sorrow as a soul-mate. No. No I wouldn't. It wouldn't be enjoyable I don't think.

So I'm in class. Grade 2 to be exact. This class in which we learn how to use computers, and do grammar I learned when I was about 8 years old. It's really a pointless class, she rambles on about where to put my commas, and what a conjunction is. But, Thanks Millie, I already know what a conjunction is. "Conjunction Junction, What's your function? Hookin' up words and phrases and clauses" From that one commercial. I enjoyed those.

It's bright in here today. The lights are on. The lights are rarely on. I don't know if I like it, or maybe it's just because I'm no accustomed to it. Yes, I think that's it. So, I kinda like it. It's just weird that's all.

I had little amounts of sleep last night. I'm not really sure why... It just wasn't a good sleep.

Chapter 1: Communicating at Work.
I know hot to communicate to. This class bothers me. Although I don't like public speaking. I'm not a shy girl, that's for sure. It's just, I don't like getting up in front of a large crowd of people. I don't like to be judged.

Will you be there when I need you? You haven't been. And I'm not impressed.

I had a small breakdown last night. There's so much going on with me. I'd rather now bother you with the details, but I'll of course be fine. I'm feeling much better today. Lots of happy, less sad. I know of someone who'll be glad to know I'm in a relatively good mood today. Actually, my mood makes me feel like sunshine and rainbows. No, that's too cliche. Butterflies and ice cream? Moonbeams and Candy bars? Well those are all really cliche, but needless to say, I'm having one of the better days I've had in a while. And it's still early in the morning. It could get better :)

The chairs are the same. You're just delusional. Delusional I tell you.

For the record, if you'd like an ineresting music combination, just make a playlist of Stabilo and My Chemical Romance. It's kinda weird, yet at the same time, I really enjoy it. So you know, if you want your mind blown. Check that out.

Wake up you're a drama queen, carry on like you're supposed to be. Break out from the drama scene. I know I have.

CRAFT FAIR THIS WEEKEND ^.^

♥ b.

The Polls are Closing

Over and Over, I fall for you. Over and Over, I try not to.

I wasn't shopping for a doll, to say the least I thought I'd seen them all. Then you took my by surprise, I'm dreaming 'bout those dreamy eyes. 

Brandon Flowers is telling me that everything will be alright. And I believe him. Well, for the most part. 

Recently I've been just letting my music device just play, no changing the song, no looking for a certain song, or a certain band. Just random and go. It's been quite a ride. I forgot how much I loved some of the bands I have on there. Like Stabilo, and MCR. Odd combination? I think so, but I really like each of them, and forgot how much I enjoyed listening to their songs. 

I can't find the words to describe my current mood. I can however say that none of them are good. And that thing deep inside me causing the sad yesterday, is beginning to grow larger. Like a dark storm cloud slowly covering my bright feels of joy. As far as I can tell there's not one particular thing contributing to this cloud, but many a different things being packed together. Like a snowball. My emotions are like a snowball turning into a rain cloud. Causing impending doom upon my well-being. 

Please be good to me, I'm not sure I could handle a fall like that. It would be a long way down. 

So on a different note, I had about an hour of sleep last night. That's always a good thing. I was visited by horrendous dreams. Not ones where your feet get cut off, just bad. Also, When I managed to grab a bit of sleep closer to the time I needed to get up, they were more pleasant.

We were all in that big house. I picture it being blue. A blue house. With a tree, and tire swing perhaps. But we can't live in that house without a dog. I need a dog. A big one, but we've been over this before. 

Tomorrow is wednesday. I like wednesday. Maybe I'll get some paint for this black mind of mine. It need a remodeling. 

♥b.

We Crumble Into Bits...

Here's the thing, I'm getting rather tired of this. Not this as in writing, but this. As in the monotony.

This morning, the skies were a lovely medley of colours. Greens. Blues. Pinks. Purples. Oranges. It was beautiful. And for a brief second I felt happy. But deep inside me, I felt like something was wrong. And at the current moment, I couldn't put my finger on it. As I let it sit to be pondered the rest of the day, I realized I knew what it was. And now at this precise moment, I choose to keep it to myself.

To a point I can understand. And to a point I can see why. But I really wish you wouldn't. It's driving me crazy. Not so much driving me crazy, as pissing me off. And as much I would like to punch you in the face, there are several obstacles holding me back from doing so. And with that, I'll leave it there.

Part of my doesn't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. But a part of me that feels I should. It's horrible.

I want to try new things. Things I've never done before. Things I'd never imagine of doing before. There's just something in the back of my mind, that wants it. It wants it like a--Like a-- Like a--Well I'm lacking the words to finish this. But it wants it bad. 

Sometimes when I freestyle, I lose confidence. 

Say what you want, I will not fall. 

♥b.

I've buried all the laughter, and I'm walking out the door.

Maybe It's your Awesome Smile...

I'd really rather not listen to songs from High School Musical 3 thanks. 

It's HALLOWEEN. I kinda love halloween. It was pretty boring this year, I just sat at my computer, but I'm not gonna complain about that, because I did get to talk to that ONE guy who makes me smile millions. And Mama kept pulling me away, I was not impressed. But then I got to sit and talk for a while, which was good.

So we found some old halloween stuff today. Like my Elvis costume. Yes, I was that cool to have an Elvis costume. When I was young, I remember being a witch like every year. One year I was a girl from the 50's with a poodle skirt and a cardigan. The most recent of my costumes, was a Hershey Hug, which was actually a freakin' awesome costume. You can't deny. Well okay, maybe you can... But I thought it was pretty sweet none-the-less.

I had a fever today, it was not enjoyable... I think it was due to lack of sleep. Because I slept for a bit after I decided to no attend school, and I felt a little better. As the day progressed I felt better and better, and I found my prom dress. And a bandana. So of course I did the only thing any sane person would do, and put them on. On top of my clothes. It was a very appealing look. 

Let's have some fun. This beat is sick. I wanna take a ride on your disco stick. Oh by the way, I've yet to click on that link. 

Ghostbusters II is on. I'm not watchin it, but I can hear it in the back. Someone just said 'Oscar! No!" Dramatic music is play as the woman continues to scream "No! No! Noooo!!" it's kind of annoying. Somebody shut her  up. 

Pfft. I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

♥b.